love of a father

My husband is a good daddy... This weekend the temperatures are over one hundred degrees, although a cold front may come through and give us 90's... I am sitting in my a/c, heading to the pool and the cool movie theater today with the princess and the professor... but Scott is spending time with the boy scout.

The scouts headed out yesterday to spend the weekend camping and hiking. I would swear that my boy scout's backpack is bigger, taller, and weighs more than he does... Then, I look at Scott's and worry about his back (he swears that his bag at work that he carries daily weighs more...). But nonetheless these two crazy fools have headed outside in this heat to bond.

In this heat, I would be unable to bond with anyone. I hate sweating. I get crabby. I get nasty. I am impatient and hateful. I cannot think of anything that is worth me spending more than a minute in 100 degree heat, much less carrying a bunch of crap and planning sleep outside in it...  I am not a nature girl. It is pretty, and I can look at it from inside an air conditioned room or vehicle. I do not do tents, sleeping bags, dirt, open fires, or bug spray. I would be a horribly cranky lady if forced to do this for one morning... but a whole weekend? I would lose my mind.

Yet, my husband left yesterday evening with a smile. He knows how much my boy scout loves it. I do not know if it is really Scott's "thing", but fortunately, my kid IS Scott's thing. Scott recognizes that all three of our kids are very different. He has to meet them where they are and get involved with their loves and interests...

So the boyscout loves to be outside, build a fire, whittle with his knife, and ride bikes. Scott does it all. The princess loves to snuggle with a good movie, talk out everything and anything, and read to someone. Scott snuggles and listens. The professor loves books to be read to him while he tries to read too, play pretend until it hurts, and explain the world to anyone who will listen. Scott reads, rubs his little back, and is the best dinosaur hunter around.

I look around and see a lot of fathers who provide wonderful things for their families. They work hard. They are not dead beats.... but thankfully, Scott knows that there are more important parts of fathering than just providing... Scott has learned to PLAY.

To a workaholic this is a difficult task. But everyday, we become better at making the

MAIN thing the MAIN thing in our lives.

Right now, the MAIN thing happens to be three main things....

and we love them each differently.

co-workers

I shared my evening with a group of women I work with... I think most people would rather eat worms than have to spend extra time with co-workers... I am fortunate. I work with a group of women who are funny, kind-hearted, patience, wound tightly, laid back... We are a very diverse group of personalities. Looking around the table this evening we had the most relaxed and the most excitable present. Yet, supper was yummy and funny.

I think the thing that makes me smile the most is that we did not have to see each other. We finished working the first week of June and do not return to work until August 24th... yet we missed each other.

I have worked in several places... grocery store, olan mills, bed&breakfast, high school, middle school, book company, private music teacher, algebra tutor.... yet this is the first place where I actually want to see my co-workers during our time off...

I guess that is why I have been around this preschool for 11 years.

I am noticing a theme in my new-found 40's....

I am blessed.

rain

I am not usually a fan of rain... I have dogs... Wet dogs smell... badly.

However, rain does not discriminate. Rain falls on good people and bad people. It is all inclusive. Everyone out in it, gets wet. The flowers get water, but so do the weeds.

It can cleanse and make you grow.

God's love it like that too. It is for everyone... we just have to accept it.... God, help me jump in a big puddle of it today!

cards

I love to buy cards... I buy them in bundles of 4 or 5... It's a problem. When it is Scott's birthday, I usually give him at least three... I will give him a funny one, a romantic/thankful one, and usually one saying he has a cute hiney! When I shop for cards, I refuse to buy one card that says anything that I do not mean. We have all read flowery, sugary cards that spill all kinds of exaggerated love onto someone that you are merely obligated to buy a card for.... well, I won't. I do not believe that we should say things we do not mean. I have looked through racks of cards for over thirty minutes for a family member to make sure that it says what I want to express.

So, I love getting cards. Those cards bring me joy and stay with me forever.

I have a place in my cedar chest for them....

This morning, I decided to look over a few of them.

I had a pretty rough period during October-December 2010. During this time I had several friends give me cards. There is one specifically that touched my heart like no other.... My sweet friend, Janet, had no idea what was going on. She works along side of me every day and noticed that I was different. She was so aware of me and aware of my pain. First, it touched my heart that she even thought of me outside of work and went to the trouble to make me a card (yes, homemade!)... but the words inside her letter were encouraging, filled with kindness, and helped me heal. This morning, as I read it again, I was reminded of her friendship, and how precious her timing was with her gift of words.

My birthday was this past week. I do not like my birthday. I cannot explain it. I had great birthday parties when I was growing up. We played games, tons of kids, great food. I had co-ed parties with the girls sleeping over afterwards. I was an only child and received ridiculous amounts of attention and presents. However, now as an adult, I hate the fuss. I hate surprises. Hate is really not strong enough of a word. I have friends who roll their eyes, think I am lying or being dramatic... whatever. I love my age, where I am now, my family of 5... I just do not like the day of my birthday. whatever. But this year, my children started working on my heart about my birthday. How did they do it? They made my cards. They usually do make cards - but this year they wrote words that will be imprinted on my heart forever. My oldest son wrote about how I make him laugh and he loves life with me. My daughter wrote about her desire to give me the world because of how much she loved me. My youngest drew an amazing picture for me with the sweet words "I (heart) mom" on it.... 

I have had 40 birthdays and have never received such a wonderful gift.

so, what is the purpose of this post?

Remember to take notice the words you use... but even more, pay close attention to the written words that you pass to loved ones... they may be like me and treasure every letter. . . tangible pieces of love.

thank you

the sweet birthday wishes have been kind and heartfelt. Thank you to each text, call, and message sender. I am staying home - keeping the day low key. I have never enjoyed my birthday truly. No idea why. I am proud of my age (I am 40), but I hate surprises, hate parties for me, and do not really like cake...

However, I have loved today. I had some appointments. I had some errands. I loved having a normal day.... part of my epiphany (read "reflections") was that I did not "have" to do my birthday

if you were a caller, wisher, card sender or just a wonderful friend - thank you so much - I appreicate it

(.... I did go out to eat tonight with my family and parents even though that was the LAST thing I wanted to do... but I did it to keep peace...)

reflection

Today is a day of reflection
 Each year I take a day during the summer and think about my world...
not "THE WORLD" but just the little part that involves me.

Last year, I had a huge "epiphany"... I decided that I was old enough, mature enough, fortunate enough, rich enough, and successful enough to do what I wanted when I wanted... Now, when I read that in print, it looks horrible... I assure you that I have not cast care and Christianity to the wind and started only eating beef, listening to Trace Adkins, never shaving my legs, and watching Family Jewels on TV constantly... although that would be quite a life! What I meant was that I would no longer be controlled by guilt. I would do things because I wanted to do them or because I needed to do them... not because someone tried to manipulate me into doing the task. I lived 38 years under a certain type of control. I am determined to not allow my children to waste that much time under manipulation. I started eating at restaurants that I wanted to eat at and not always saying "wherever you want is fine" in order to keep the peace. I started saying no thank you when I did not want to go somewhere. I deleted my facebook - then decided that was silly, so I came back and deleted over 300 people who I had not seen, talked to, heard from, or had any desire to in over a year. My family is very aware of this conscious decision. We call it "epiphany 20-10"! I have loved every bit of it. It is extremely freeing. I have only regret that I had not had an "epiphany 1993" when I got married and was supposed to "leave and cleave".

This year is similar... I am reflecting today. I am certainly not letting go to last year's epiphany, but I want to put a positive spin on it for 2011. I am a happy person today because of last year's reflection. I am content. I am complete. I am full. I love the people I choose to have around me. It is a good place to be. There are things in my life I would like to change. No one's life could be pure bliss.

However, I am in the best place of my lifetime.
Today, I am 40 years old.

Twenty years ago, I would have thought that at 40 my life would be darn near over. Yet, I look at it now as just starting to roll correctly.  I am confident that this next year of my life will bring challenges and maybe a few hard moments - however, I am even more confident that I can kick those moments in the tail. I am 40 years old, and I have earned every wrinkle and lump. In fact, I think I love them.
The scars may not be beautiful, but without them I would not be who I am today.

Today, I am 40... And tomorrow will be another day that I will conquer when it arrives.

blessed

I am blessed... my life is full.

This morning, the entire family was up and happy to hug Caleb and send him to his first day in kindergarten... just when we thought he may get nervous, I was blessed by a friend who agreed to ride with us to school, and her son agreed to walk with Caleb down to class... all of this resulted in a happy Caleb who cannot wait to go to school tomorrow... and wants to ride the bus, but that is an entirely different post!

After taking Caleb to school, I was blessed again by two precious ladies meeting me to "toast" my kindergartner... yes, it was early in the morning, but there was orange juice in them!!!

My older children had friends to go with them to the pool... then I was blessed again with seeing a few more friends... again, my oldest child did not want us to sit in carline for Caleb and was worried that his little brother may get overheated... so he blessed his little brother by running up ahead and getting him and walking him back to the Pilot....

After a crazy day of "run here" and "hurry there", the four of us ran over to SAS to eat supper with Scott, and then got a tour of his building... speak of a blessing... wow. Where Scott works is beautiful. He has recently been moved to the executive building to help oversee the audio/visual side of things there. He has a gorgeous place to go to every day. The kids and I were gasping, ooo-ing, and ahhhh-ing at every turn. SAS has been a blessing to us as well... the hours are not always great, but the benefits FAR out weigh the cons....

Tonight, I will place my little one in the bed early... my daughter will cuddle up for a movie and sleep... my oldest is heading out to sleep in his tent with a dog... then there is me... well, I will go to bed with a big smile on my face and love in my heart...

because I am blessed.

6 years ago

Six years ago... so much is different now... I was pregnant. I had a first grader and a third grader. I was nervous about having a third child. I knew the child would be a son, and we knew that he would be named Caleb Walker Sublett. We prayed that he would be brave as the "Caleb" from the Bible. We prayed and hoped that he would be a Godly man, as Charlie Walker, the gentle soul he was named after.

We had no idea.... My little professor will start kindergarten tomorrow morning. He is a strong-willed, stubborn little mini-man. He looks just like his father but has the spunk and wit of his mother. He is brilliant in so many ways. My Caleb is a goofy, funny, silly boy who loves to wrestle with his brother and sister. He loves to tell the same joke 20 times and expects you to still crack up. He can quote facts about dinosaurs that I did not even know existed. He loves animals in books, on the computer, or on tv - but do not expect him to touch any of them in real life! He loves books and knowledge and cannot get enough.

I have watched him grow in three years of preschool. I have gone with him everyday and seen him grow. I was his music teacher and his motion teacher. I led each chapel he attended every week. I spoke with his teachers daily and they were my friends. I knew every person he came into contact with and every child he played with. I was there for everything.

Tomorrow, I will drive to his school and send him to his first day in a school without me. It is hitting me today... tomorrow, he will not be at my side explaining everything to me... tomorrow, he will not be begging me to play pretend all afternoon and read 6 books at rest time... tomorrow, I may even talk on the phone without having to stop to hear some wondrous fact that he has discovered and cannot wait to share....

Tomorrow, my son will grow up just a little without me.... he will be fine... and so will I... but please, world.... please be kind to my son.

I love him with all of my heart.

guilt

some people have always been able to make me feel horrible... "The kids never call me"... "I haven't seen you or the kids in over a week"... "Wish you had invited ME over for supper"... "Oh, that sounds fun. Wish we had known about it"....

I am thankful that I am finally in a better place...

As I approach my 40th birthday, I feel like I have finally grown up. I can look around me and see that I am surrounded by friends who love me. I am happier and more content than I have ever been.

Back in October 2010, I had a very sobering conversation with a family member about all of the many ways I am "failing at life". I was devestated. I took all of it to heart and believed it as I have most of my life. Thank God that He had a friend give me a wonderful book called "Boundaries"... Through this book and the scriptures that it quoted, I was able to see that I allowed too many people to have a voice in my life... In all actuality, there are very few opinions that actally matter.

I am a 40 year old woman. I have a BS in Music Ed and am good at my job teaching young children. I am a happily married wife of 18 years to a good Christian husband and father. I am a wife of three of the craziest children alive. We own our home, and I love it. I have a great life. I am successful.

Knowing all of these things, why would I allow someone who should be building me up, tear me down by spewing lies?

 

(paragraph deleted after reflecting... no need to hurt someone who has hurt me...

choosing to forgive instead)

I think what I am learning.... besides boundaries... is that adult choices have adult consequences. You can choose to do whatever you want, as long as you are willing to pay the price.

I don't know.... I am still learning. But it sure is nice to know that I am not guilty.

It is a good feeling.