at home

So we are in the middle of a quarantine.... I have been home for over two weeks. I have gone to the grocery store or Costco... I have walked around the neighborhood... I have cleaned closets, vacuumed the house more than 5 times a week, texted friends, posted youtubes for my students, attended Zoom meetings online, cooked new recipes and old favorites, and sat on the back parch and cried.

I miss my friends at work. I miss seeing my little students every morning. I miss joking with my teaching partner and solving the earth's problems with her every day. I miss working in my classroom, setting up new centers, getting out craft supplies, organizing the storage closet, and moving things around. It is true that you don't know what you have until it is gone... It is not "gone", but it is absent presently... I would feel a little better if I could just sit in my classroom.... some sense of normalcy.

I know the COVID virus is reason to stay home. I get it. I have a full house right now with two of my children home and my husband working from home. Everyone is spread around the home on conference calls, online classes, and assignments... meanwhile, I have nothing to do. I missed my students so badly that I made all of my videos for the week on Saturday... If I go ahead and do next week's videos, I may go crazy...

I am not made to sit. I am not made to be bored.



But what if God needs me to be bored in order to be able to hear Him...


I don't like it.

wish I was a better listener

complex

It's kind of funny when you think about it. Most people who know me consider me to be an extrovert. Well, I am not. I am bigger than life. I am loud. I try to be funny. I am authentic. However, I think I am a lot of these things because I truly am normally uncomfortable. In group settings, I would prefer to stand against the wall or sit on the outside of the circle... but this is usually the time I am expected or asked to perform... be funny.

I think a lot of my anxiety begins with my need to be invisible but my inability to be invisible... isn't that weird?

If I have to be a part of the group, I want to seem smart, witty, fun, likable, and desired... Yet, I would rather not.

Now, these feelings are not with my family... not with my family of 11 (Subman Family). With my family, I want to be right in the middle. I want to hear all of the side conversations. I want to know how everyone is doing and make sure they don't need anything. With my family, I need them to know and believe that I would lay in front of a train for them...


The strange dichotomy of my crazy brain...
In one case - please do not notice me.
In the next case - please don't leave me out.


I am crazy

I know this fact


I guess I am an extroverted introvert with a complex

I saw a sign

I saw a sign the other day...

"You will never look into the eyes of someone that God does not love. Be kind"

This reminder is for when you are sitting at the stoplight. See the man or lady beside your car holding the cardboard sign? I am not suggesting you give money or advice... I am not offering guilt or praise over your choice on how to handle this dilemma... However, God loves them... a kind smile, a wave, an acknowledgement that you see them instead of changing lanes to avoid the awkward stare...

This reminder is for when you are in the huge hurry at the grocery store. See the older gentleman in front of you struggling with his checkbook? He may be flustered. His wife may have always done the shopping and now he has to do it alone. He may be in pain or the years have taken a toll and he simply needs more time. A smile to let him know that you are not angry could bless his entire afternoon as he leaves the store to go home all alone yet again.

This reminder is for when you are in the restaurant. See the mother at her wits end with her toddler? Remember back to what it was like when you just didn't have the will power to cook anything, the fridge was empty, and you just wanted to go out once... but the toddler refused his nap, isn't feeling good, and has decided that all the food you've ordered was not what she wanted... Maybe silly faces to the toddler and a smile to the frazzled mom could brighten her day. Let her know that we have all been there.

This is a reminder when you see signs of protest or anger. See the hurt in their eyes. See the rejection they feel... You do not have to believe what they do. You do not need to comment on their signs or beliefs. No one is asking you to make a religious decision or change your politics. However, God loves them as much as He loves you. A kind smile, a hug, or a listening ear could show them that you care about them even when you disagree.

God gave each of us our own will... Thank goodness we are not all robots. That would be incredibly boring. I understand that "life would be so much easier if everyone just believed like me or did what I wanted".... however, reality is that we live in a mixed up world with a hodge podge of people who all look differently, act differently, and believe differently...

We need to do a better job of being kind, showing respect, and loving regardless... 

at least I know that I do.