being stuck

been stuck in this house since March 13th... 

four weeks...

i have been stuck before - this is not a new feeling. it is simply a new situation. i have been stuck at a job where i did not want to be. i have been stuck at a weight where i was not happy. i have been stuck in a relationship where i was not valued. i have been stuck at a church where i felt surrounded by hypocrisy. i have been stuck in a circle surrounded by people who struggled with boundaries.

being stuck sucks. it is hard. yet, i have come through this feeling before. 

i have seen the other side of "stuck". 

I left the job and found a new professional home. I have moved around and have found satisfaction with my body and all that it has brought me through. I have eliminated friendships that were hurting me and causing me to hurt myself. I have found a church that is not perfect, but doesn't proclaim to be; instead they meet you where you are, love you there and then bring you closer to God. I have changed my circle of close people to me in order to protect my heart and spirit.

so yes, I am stuck in this house. 

no, I do not enjoy being stuck at all.

being stuck sucks. it is hard.

but I have seen the other side before and I will see it again.

self diagnosis

Three years ago, my oldest child was hit by a truck in a hit and run... It was scary and horrible. We spent over a week in the Neuro-ICU at Duke Hospital. To try to make it through the day, I would joke with his neurologists saying "I watch Greys, I know how this goes"... they would blush and laugh and be awkward. It gave me something to smile about each day. Last year, my daughter gave me a shirt that says "I watch Greys Anatomy so I am basically a surgeon"... it is my life.

Now, as my daughter in nursing school talks about pathogens and random bodily functions, I realize that I basically know nothing about the body I use daily... She explains things to me - I marvel sometimes and almost vomit other times...

While sitting here for three weeks in this house that I once loved but now consider a prison, I am self diagnosing. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I am definitely bored. I read little checklists off of Facebook... I have a stomach ache. No desire to eat at all, but constant desire to snack on anything with no true craving. I want to sleep but my sleep is broken up all night long. Someone posted on Facebook a list of "8 Warning Signs that You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted"... 

I have all of them.

The problem is I need a cure

I need a re-focus 

the walk

everyone had their own stuff to do... one was working on nursing simulations... one was in a meeting for work... one was howling with friends over discord while attempting google classroom...

I had nothing to do

the floors had been cleaned... the toilets had been scrubbed... the dog had been groomed... food had been cooked... two flowerbeds had been weeded... flowers were watered...

I had nothing to do

I decided to have a pity party... I started walking... forgot my ear buds for music but did not turn around... I just walked... got to the end of a street but turned around and kept going... passed my house and kept walking... down a hill... up a freaking mountain... and kept walking...

I had nothing to do

I ended up at my best friend's house... sat on her back porch... 6 feet away or more... drank iced water and sat there for almost two hours...

It gave me life.




I am going to have to make a list of options for myself everyday. I am a person who needs a plan to feel secure. I need to know what is coming and what I am going to do about it. I am learning that being laid back and "going with the flow" does not work for my brain... it puts me in a tailspin.

I do not like being bored. I do not like watching tv all day. I do not want to spend the day in bed. I can not freely roam my home due to everyone else's online meetings. So, I will make a plan...



Wish I could write a book...