big scary man... not

Today, I was reminded how racist or stereotypically biased I was raised...

 

As I was leaving my wonderful grocery store (after freely giving them all of my money), I noticed a man standing near my car... now, in my childhood I would have been scared of this man. He was huge... maybe 280-300 pounds... balding, with some scruffy facial hair... black as night... dressed in outdoor, hard-work-dirty clothes... and he looked angry.

 

I continued to my car, and I could tell that he was getting more and more frustrated... walking around his car and pacing...

 

I quickly got loaded my food and got into my car... then thought, what the heck? I am a grown up. I am friends with people of all sizes and colors. Why am I acting like the little girl who would hide behind her dad when we would go downtown to Kings to get a hot dog before a ballgame?

 

I rolled my window down and asked him if he needed any help.... he turned angrily and fast... then his face softened. He said, "thank you so much - I can not find my keys. I must have dropped them somewhere in the store or here in the lot or even in my car. I have ice cream here in the cart, and my wife will not answer her phone."

 

So, I said, "hop in! Ice cream is too important to waste! I can take you home, then she can drive you back up here to get your car later"

 

The gentleman refused, but I kept on... then he said, "are you sure?" 

For some reason, I was sure.

 

So, he loaded his groceries in my backseat and down the road we went. I got him to his home, he unloaded my backseat, then said.... "Thank you. I have to admit I was surprised that you helped me, I mean, you being a white lady and all"

 

 

gulp

 

how pathetic are we... all of us need help... all of us have hurts, joys, pains, and laughter...

 

help someone today... out of your comfort zone...

maybe when you need help, it will come full circle!

big coat

So, I cleaned out my closet a couple of weeks ago... I wrote about it - happy and sad moment... happy to not be able to wear any of the clothes anymore, but also sad... because I have been the same size for 15+ years, I have had some of those items for a long time... I had pictures of myself in Russia getting our firstborn in some of them... hard to let go, but happy to do so

 

Then, this past week it got chilly. One of my kids went to the coat closet to get a jacket, and hollered, "Mom, you forgot to get rid of your coats!"

I went to get them... there were three...

 

People who know me, know that I rarely wear a coat. I was never cold... I had a beautiful denim jacket that I had bought at Talbot's, not on sale... loved it dearly. I had a double breasted chocolate fleece that I had bought from Landsend on sale... loved it. Then I had a very expensive and very warm coat from Landsend that I wore when it was bitter cold and it kept me snugly warm.

 

This last coat was worn during winter dog walks, trips to PA, outdoor shopping at Christmas, and other times where it was freezing. I remember several moments I had in this coat...

 

As my son and husband were commenting on how big it was when I tried it on, my son took it and then they put it on...

TOGETHER

 

I laughed... they looked hilarious...

 

I added the coat to the pile to give to a friend who may have a need....

 

then I went to my room for something... as I thought about my loved coat, I remembered one time when I wore it to walk the dogs... and I remember that I left it open... Scott scolded me saying, "it is very cold, you need to zip that coat up" ... I laughed and told him I was not cold... but the truth was that I could not zip it...

 

I then started crying... the very coat that two grown men (41 years old and 15 years old) had put on and zipped up... I had been so big that I could not even zip it.

 

I think a lot of this "game" with losing weight is so mental.

 

I know that the fact is that this morning I wore size 16 jeans and my hubby said they were too baggy, whereas two months ago I was wearing size 22. I know that I wore a size Large t-shirt to work on Friday, whereas two months ago I was wearing a 2x or 3x. I know that I had 3 chins, whereas now I have one. I know that I used to get winded going up the stairs to my classroom, whereas now I can jog a mile without stopping...

 

these are facts

 

But I still get sad. I get sad because two men can fit into a coat that I could not zip...

Sad that I had gotten to that size...

I still see a big person when I look into the mirror. I saw a picture of me this past week

(also taken this past week) and I bawled... I am still big.

By the standards of average people, I am big.

 

Many of my wonderful friends are encouraging... they tell me on a regular basis that I am looking great or thinner or they are proud of me or many wonderful things....

 I appreciate EVERY comment and compliment....

 

I am really to FEEL these things...

 

the mental battle is draining... not sure how I can be doing so much better, looking so much better, and moving so much better... yet still be frustrated, discouraged, and angry...

 

I need to dive into the scripture and find some peace... Philippians 4:4-9

 

4Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5Let everyone see that

you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

 

Lord, please help me to memorize these verses and lay claim to them...

 I need to concentrate on the right things and experience a peace that can only come from You....

a new fair

My parents took me to the state fair every year growing up... I can even remember taking a couple of field trips to it with school... Sometimes I would take a friend or go with a friend.

The State Fair has been a big deal to me my entire life.

After getting married, Scott and I attended the fair every year. We only missed in 1998... of course, we were in Russia picking up our son, so I was not too upset. Sometimes we have taken the children, sometime we have attended as a date...

but we have always gone!

Six years ago, the fair changed for me... Scott and I were there on a date. We rode very few ride because tickets were so expensive.. We found this crazy spin-a-round, flip upside down, fly crazy ride that we both knew that we would puke on... I was scared to death and so excited. My father had given me a love for roller coasters and I couldn't wait...

until

we went up, got into a seat, and waited to be clicked in by the attendant...

the guy could not shut my seat


I had to get out of the seat in front of my husband, and walk back to the exit. I wanted to die. I told Scott with a laugh that it was no big deal... he rode it, and said it wasn't really that great (which I knew was a lie)... but it was a deal.

I have not ridden a ride since.

I take that back, a few years ago, one of my nieces celebrated her birthday at a theme park. I rode the tilt-a-whirl with her. I knew that was a ride that would work, and she asked me to ride it with her... but I was scared to get on it and relieved to get off...

This year I went to the fair. Took our children on preview day... bought them wristbands so they could ride everything in the park that they desired....

I still did not ride anything.

I had planned to purchase a wristband and ride everything... I was thrilled to be down in weight and thought that "this would be the year" that everything changed for me...

but I saw a picture taken of me the day before... I looked huge... I immediately felt like I did in June of this year... huge with no chance of change...

I am learning more and more just how mental weight can be... I know that I am wearing a size large shirt today whereas 9 weeks ago I wore a 3x or 2x... I know that my jeans today are a 16 instead of the 22... I see one chin instead of 3. I can jog a mile straight without stopping...

however, I am still big in the average person's mind.

gosh this is a daily battle and fight


I am not writing this for people to write crazy encouraging comments... I just am documenting my feelings and keeping a public sort of diary... I know that I am doing great and things are going according to His will and plan. I am working hard and feel better than I have in over 15 years. I know all of the "right" things to say and that it will only get better... but this is a mental battle that I am fighting... and it is a huge fight....