big day

in seven hours, I will wake up my 7th grader... in seven and a half hours I will wake up my 9th grader and kindergartner...

I have spent the last several days getting binders labeled, paper purchased, items for lunches gathered, scheduled made and copied, signs for car line, open houses attended, and nerves squashed...

but now

it is here

I have spent so much time getting them ready, getting their stuff ready, and getting the house ready for all of the changes ...

but I forgot to prepare my own heart

12 years ago, after being told that we could never have biological children, I was standing in an upstairs room with Scott and another couple (the Farmers from Elizabeth City, NC) in Penza, Russia... we were anxiously waiting for the nursemaid to crest the top of the stairs with our firstborn son... he was 18 months old, blonde haired, covered in scabies, dressed for the arctic weather (it was 60 degrees outside)... and most of all, he was OURS. He was hungry for attention, love, food, and anything he could see or touch.

I swear to you that it was yesterday.... sometimes, I wish it were... he is so grown now...

12 years ago, after being told that we could never have biological children, I was so thrilled to have a 4 hour labor and FAST delivery of our daughter. We had our son for only six months before she was born. We were living a life of chasing a toddler and feeding a baby every hour, and were exhausted and overjoyed. She was tiny as a 6 pound 6 ounce bundle of joy. She smiled and cooed and her first word was "mama". She laughed at everything and was easy to please.

I swear to you that it was yesterday... sometimes, I wish it were... she looks like a woman today...

6 years ago, after being told that we could never have biological children, I was in shock to know that I was getting ready to give birth again. Our third child would be born 5.5 weeks early due to my being sick with preeclampsia. He was 5 pounds and 1 ounce. He had a heart murmur and a horrible cough. His billiruben was not good and he had to go back in to the hospital for three additional days after having been released. The doctors told us that he was deaf. He was tested for three months and we were told to start learning some sign language and make preparations.... a couple of days before Christmas we received the best present ever, he started crying when someone dropped a dish. He heard everything completely fine after that and doctors could not explain it. He was verbal and brilliant.

I swear to you that it was yesterday... sometimes, I wish it were... he is so much smarter than I am.

but, it was not yesterday. They are growing up. They are inspiring me, frustrating me, teaching me, and loving me every day. They are starting a new year in school. We will laugh over stories, fight over homework, cry over friendships, and celebrate over victories.

I love my job as their mother.

here i am

in five days I have a kid starting high school... and a kid in seventh grade... and a kindergartener... five days...

it is kind of funny... 6 years ago, I was pregnant. I had a first grader and a third grader. I had plans to start college back in order to get a law degree. I was heading to school and back to work full time.

yet, here I am with a kid just starting school, and I never did get that law degree... I am still teaching at the local preschool and driving my three kids all over town.

isn't it funny when we have plans that we KNOW will be perfect for us, but then God comes along and changes it from top to bottom.... I fought this plan change kicking, screaming, and cussing...

yet, here I am happy... I love having a high schooler. He is happy and loving scouts. He is maturing in ways that make me proud. I love having a middle school daughter. She is turning into a beautiful lady and dancing her way in to my heart daily. I love having a kindergartener. He is facinating and intelligent. He makes me laugh and turns every day into an adventure.

yet, here I am working... I get paid weekly to play and hug kids... I had planned to argue my life away in law, yet, here I am playing with kids...

here I am... and I am happy

eighteen

Scott and I awoke this morning to the fireworks of love... okay - actually, he got up to let the dogs out and I got in the shower to get ready for church... then one of us will get breakfast going, while the other gets ready... then force the kids into clothes while the other gets ready... then we will grab shoes and rush out the door about 5 minutes later than we planned...

Today is our anniversary! We have been married for eighteen years as of 3pm this afternoon. I remember most of that weekend so many years ago... I remember being stressed out, tearful due to stress, and unable to eat due to stress... I wish I knew then what I know now... then, I would have been able to breathe and eat and perform simple tasks without tears and foul language!

Scott and I have the perfect marriage. We love intensely. We get along, most of the time. We work as a team and are a united pair with our children... We argue over stupid stuff. I pout. He works too much. I am over dramatic. Money stresses us out. Appointments and activities of the kids get in the way of our one-on-one time. And through it all,  we are happy!

Having never known unconditional love before Scott, I was a skeptic. I would push buttons and fight on purpose early in our marriage. I tried to see if he was staying or if he would have a temper tantrum and leave like I had seen many times growing up. Scott never left. He would get frustrated with me, sigh, and love me anyway. I am sure I made him exhausted.

We run like a well-oiled machine nowadays... of course, all 18 year old machines have leaks, backfires, and tears in the upholstery...

I have been learning in my life about choices and consequences - when looking at my sweet, blue eyed, cute tailed, loving man....

I chose him, I still choose him, and  I would choose him again tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life, the father of my three,

and the only one I care to grow old with...

I love you, Scott!

military retirement

I read this on facebook today - it made me think...

"Military retirement is not a Entitlement, it was earned from 20+ Years of Service! Their benefits aren't some kind of charity or handout! Congressional benefits = free health care, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days - now THAT'S welfare. And Congress has the nerve to call a Military Retirement an Entitlement?"

I think I am usually shocked by the politcians who WE VOTE FOR... the fact that they receive so much in the way of money/beneifts/holidays/etc and yet are so quick to cut spending on the elderly, our servicemen and women, or US....  it is crazy...

...I need to run for office...

(would that be so I could change things or so I could have the "stuff"...hmmm)

amazed

I find myself amazed by people....  all different types...

I am amazed by people who can love unconditionally and completely. My sister, Kim, for example. She is a lover of people. She has six children. Three are bio's and three are adoptee's... but there is no difference. She loves, leads, disciplines, instructs, trusts, and mothers each one the same. She is amazing. I love her and am trying to love like her. She is one of the most laid back ladies I have ever met. She does not get "ruffled" easily and loves intensely.

I am amazed by people who are great leaders. I love to watch someone delegate and lead and be successful. I enjoy people who organize events to run smoothly and see them orchestrate the whole thing. I like to follow someone who knows what they are doing. It is good to learn what you are good at and then DO THAT THING... It is okay to be a CEO, if you are good at that kind of thing. It is okay to be a bagger at Food Lion, if you are good at bagging... no one likes to get home and pull their mashed bread out from under the cans of soup that was 10 for $10! And no one enjoys working for a company where their boss is an idiot.

I am amazed by people who live in the past. They talk about, worry about, wish they could change, and cry over the past.... That was me for a long time... There is something freeing about looking back and knowing that the past is exactly that... the past and it is over. Bless the LORD! I am happy to know that it no longer controls my life and my choices. My present is pretty great. I am happy to be here and plan to enjoy it while it is here. I will enjoy the now and plan for the tomorrow... but yesterday, well, I am over it.

I am amazed by the many different types of people in my life. I have great people around me. Some are strong, some are trusting, some are fun, some are crazy... I want to continue to surround myself with great people.

Remember - you can choose... you can choose to be with those who build you up... or you can continue to allow your "friends" to tear you down. You can be supported, loved, and encouraged... or you can be controlled, condemned, and used... but you get to choose who you allow in your circle.

YOU have the power to be amazing and surround yourself with amazing people.... money, race, occupation, etc - they do not determine how amazing you can be -

be amazing and be with amazing people

celebrations

we all have things in our lives that we want to celebrate. some are big and some are minimal,

 but celebrations are great!

my youngest wants to decorate the entire house this morning -

 he wants balloons, streamers, and confetti all over the house...

he wants a party. he wants to invite all of our friends over to sing songs

and play games...

why, you ask....

...he does not have school today....

yep - he's five... acts like he is sixteen

choices have consequences

It has taken me so long to learn that every choice has a consequence... every choice.

I have made some great choices in life... my husband, my adoption trip to Russia, friendships, some car choice, some jobs, a few hairstyles, my wonderful epiphany 2010... then I have made some horrible choices... the location of my home, a car purchased in 2005, a few hairstyles, a few lop-sided friendships, to remain in an abusive relationship with people who hurt me...

Each of these decisions have had consequences. I have to live with them because I CHOSE them. It is a hard lesson to learn that we have a lot more control over our lives than we are led to believe as kids.

If you are struggling or unhappy, stand up, pull up your grown up britches and change your circumstance. I know that it will be hard and scary... but YOU decide where you are going to lay your head tonight... and who it will be beside. YOU decide to let someone use you or value you. YOU choose to be confident or manipulated.

I had a long talk with someone over the weekend about their life. Feeling the freedom and power to change some things in your life can be very scary and very daunting. I am impressed and happy to see a friend stand up and decide that things will be different. She is a beautiful person. She is a giver. She wants everyone around her to be happy and will sacrifice her own self for everyone/anyone else. These are not horrible qualities to have... yet, she gives too much. She owns too much of the pain of the people around her. She needs to protect herself.

If you are a lover of books, pick up a copy of Boundaries... I was given mine from a friend at work and it has dramatically changed my life. Some may like the new me... I am sure some do not... however,  I am a happier, more complete person. I can choose to help others or to do nothing - but I am no longer being
 manipulated
or guilted into anything... It is wonderful.

P.S. (added after review...)

Let God lead your heart, and

let Him show you where you need to get involved in something/someone.

In all of this post - I can read where it sounds like I am saying "I can do whatever I want"... and that is certainly true to a point. But I do not want to let you believe that I no longer care about what we should do because we are Christians and because it is right... I do not always want to go to church on Sunday, but I do. My kids rarely want to go to school, but they do. I may not want to cook supper, clean my house, or lots of things... However, I no longer will call someone, meet someone for a meal, or invite every person on my friend list to a trip to Starbucks because I feel guilty if I don't...