everyone had their own stuff to do... one was working on nursing simulations... one was in a meeting for work... one was howling with friends over discord while attempting google classroom...
I had nothing to do
the floors had been cleaned... the toilets had been scrubbed... the dog had been groomed... food had been cooked... two flowerbeds had been weeded... flowers were watered...
I had nothing to do
I decided to have a pity party... I started walking... forgot my ear buds for music but did not turn around... I just walked... got to the end of a street but turned around and kept going... passed my house and kept walking... down a hill... up a freaking mountain... and kept walking...
I had nothing to do
I ended up at my best friend's house... sat on her back porch... 6 feet away or more... drank iced water and sat there for almost two hours...
It gave me life.
I am going to have to make a list of options for myself everyday. I am a person who needs a plan to feel secure. I need to know what is coming and what I am going to do about it. I am learning that being laid back and "going with the flow" does not work for my brain... it puts me in a tailspin.
I do not like being bored. I do not like watching tv all day. I do not want to spend the day in bed. I can not freely roam my home due to everyone else's online meetings. So, I will make a plan...
Wish I could write a book...
March 31, 2020
March 30, 2020
at home
So we are in the middle of a quarantine.... I have been home for over two weeks. I have gone to the grocery store or Costco... I have walked around the neighborhood... I have cleaned closets, vacuumed the house more than 5 times a week, texted friends, posted youtubes for my students, attended Zoom meetings online, cooked new recipes and old favorites, and sat on the back parch and cried.
I miss my friends at work. I miss seeing my little students every morning. I miss joking with my teaching partner and solving the earth's problems with her every day. I miss working in my classroom, setting up new centers, getting out craft supplies, organizing the storage closet, and moving things around. It is true that you don't know what you have until it is gone... It is not "gone", but it is absent presently... I would feel a little better if I could just sit in my classroom.... some sense of normalcy.
I know the COVID virus is reason to stay home. I get it. I have a full house right now with two of my children home and my husband working from home. Everyone is spread around the home on conference calls, online classes, and assignments... meanwhile, I have nothing to do. I missed my students so badly that I made all of my videos for the week on Saturday... If I go ahead and do next week's videos, I may go crazy...
I am not made to sit. I am not made to be bored.
But what if God needs me to be bored in order to be able to hear Him...
I don't like it.
wish I was a better listener
I miss my friends at work. I miss seeing my little students every morning. I miss joking with my teaching partner and solving the earth's problems with her every day. I miss working in my classroom, setting up new centers, getting out craft supplies, organizing the storage closet, and moving things around. It is true that you don't know what you have until it is gone... It is not "gone", but it is absent presently... I would feel a little better if I could just sit in my classroom.... some sense of normalcy.
I know the COVID virus is reason to stay home. I get it. I have a full house right now with two of my children home and my husband working from home. Everyone is spread around the home on conference calls, online classes, and assignments... meanwhile, I have nothing to do. I missed my students so badly that I made all of my videos for the week on Saturday... If I go ahead and do next week's videos, I may go crazy...
I am not made to sit. I am not made to be bored.
But what if God needs me to be bored in order to be able to hear Him...
I don't like it.
wish I was a better listener
complex
It's kind of funny when you think about it. Most people who know me consider me to be an extrovert. Well, I am not. I am bigger than life. I am loud. I try to be funny. I am authentic. However, I think I am a lot of these things because I truly am normally uncomfortable. In group settings, I would prefer to stand against the wall or sit on the outside of the circle... but this is usually the time I am expected or asked to perform... be funny.
I think a lot of my anxiety begins with my need to be invisible but my inability to be invisible... isn't that weird?
If I have to be a part of the group, I want to seem smart, witty, fun, likable, and desired... Yet, I would rather not.
Now, these feelings are not with my family... not with my family of 11 (Subman Family). With my family, I want to be right in the middle. I want to hear all of the side conversations. I want to know how everyone is doing and make sure they don't need anything. With my family, I need them to know and believe that I would lay in front of a train for them...
The strange dichotomy of my crazy brain...
In one case - please do not notice me.
In the next case - please don't leave me out.
I am crazy
I know this fact
I guess I am an extroverted introvert with a complex
I think a lot of my anxiety begins with my need to be invisible but my inability to be invisible... isn't that weird?
If I have to be a part of the group, I want to seem smart, witty, fun, likable, and desired... Yet, I would rather not.
Now, these feelings are not with my family... not with my family of 11 (Subman Family). With my family, I want to be right in the middle. I want to hear all of the side conversations. I want to know how everyone is doing and make sure they don't need anything. With my family, I need them to know and believe that I would lay in front of a train for them...
The strange dichotomy of my crazy brain...
In one case - please do not notice me.
In the next case - please don't leave me out.
I am crazy
I know this fact
I guess I am an extroverted introvert with a complex
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