complex

It's kind of funny when you think about it. Most people who know me consider me to be an extrovert. Well, I am not. I am bigger than life. I am loud. I try to be funny. I am authentic. However, I think I am a lot of these things because I truly am normally uncomfortable. In group settings, I would prefer to stand against the wall or sit on the outside of the circle... but this is usually the time I am expected or asked to perform... be funny.

I think a lot of my anxiety begins with my need to be invisible but my inability to be invisible... isn't that weird?

If I have to be a part of the group, I want to seem smart, witty, fun, likable, and desired... Yet, I would rather not.

Now, these feelings are not with my family... not with my family of 11 (Subman Family). With my family, I want to be right in the middle. I want to hear all of the side conversations. I want to know how everyone is doing and make sure they don't need anything. With my family, I need them to know and believe that I would lay in front of a train for them...


The strange dichotomy of my crazy brain...
In one case - please do not notice me.
In the next case - please don't leave me out.


I am crazy

I know this fact


I guess I am an extroverted introvert with a complex