a new day

a big day

When I was growing up, my dad would wake me and we would sneak to the kitchen... Some years, I would make toast and cereal. Some years, we would go elaborate... never knowing that my mother had gotten out of bed, gotten dressed and applied her make up, put on her robe and gotten back into bed all to let me surprise her. We would give flowers and gifts. I knew that she was my biggest fan and closest buddy. She was the glue that held my life together. She attended every event of my life (still does). She was the world to me. And I knew that one day I wanted to be just like her.

then I got married

When we were married, I wanted kids immediately. We were married in August and I went off birth control within six months... when I was not pregnant in February, I went to a doctor and explained to him that I needed three sons by age 25 (I was 22). Doctors laughed, but agreed to help me. Tests were done. So many exams were given. I drove to Atlanta to a specialist for over two years... Then we moved to NC and I saw specialists in Chapel Hill... until...

a sad day

The Wednesday before Mother's Day in 1997, I found out I was pregnant. I did not tell Scott. Instead, I bought baby items and planned to tell him Friday night... but Friday started with cramping... but Friday afternoon, I was no longer pregnant and had a very different story to tell him when he arrived home from work to find me on the bathroom floor in tears. Two days later I had to go to church because of "jobs" that we had during the service - it was a horrible Mother's Day... I hated mother's day and thought that I always would.

a new day

Little did I know that a couple of weeks after my miscarriage, a beautiful boy would be born on the other side of the world... and he was mine. In October 1998, Scott and I went to Penza, Russia and picked up our son. And then to the amazement and disbelief  of our doctors, I gave birth to our daughter six months later... Mother's Day 1999 was the best day ever. It was all I dreamed of my entire life... yes, I was 28 and the mother of two amazing babies... and then in 2005, we were blessed with our third miracle, our second son.

Life doesn't work out the way you plan... I did get my three kids... but I had planned for three sons, and I am so glad that God saw a different plan and gave me a girl to help me balance our home. I had planned to have all three before age 26... but God wanted me to be 35 for Caleb's birth and that meant that I continued to be a preschool teacher instead of going back to school - and I am so incredibly blessed that happened. 

Mother's day means many things to many people. Growing up, it meant a celebration of the lady who was everything to me... then it became a very dark and sad day for me for a few years... but now, it is a celebration for me - both to honor my own mother who continues to cheer for me from her house across the street and to celebrate my three kids who are almost all grown and hardly need me now...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the ladies here... Some of you have children in your home, some in your lives... but we can all mentor and love the children around us, guide them, and help them grow into amazing people... 

I am so glad that I was given the gift of being the mom to 

Scott Alexander, Jessica Erin, and Caleb Walker... 

They are my world... 

not for the weak

As a young adult, I so desperately wanted to make my own choices. I knew that I actually understood what was going on. When things went wrong for me, I ran home... home was where I could find support and truth. Home was safe and protected.

As a mother, I so desperately want to make all of the choices for my children. I know that I actually understand what is going on. When things go wrong for them, I want them to run home. Home is where I will offer support and truth. Home is where they will always be safe and protected.

I wish that knowledge, life mistakes, successes, and life experiences were hereditary... Motherhood would be easier on my heart if I could save them heartache by letting them see how I overcame mine.

No one warns you about parenting... A nurse hands you the little bundle in the white, thin blanket with two light blue stripes and one little pink stripe. They test your car seat, show you how to bath them, watch you feed them, and then push you in your wheelchair to your car and send you home with well wishes... 

Parenting is not for the weak. 

a different Easter

this will be a different Easter...

we have not been shopping for new Easter outfits - instead, we will attend church in lounge clothes or pajamas

we will not attend church in our beautiful sanctuary with stained glass windows and beautiful communion - instead, we will gather around the TV and watch our pastor deliver our Easter message online

we will not shake the hands and hug the necks of loved ones in church - instead, we will write notes on the "live chat" space and send texts to church members throughout the message

we will not wait in line for lunch having forgotten to make reservations anywhere - instead, we will order takeout from a small local restaurant trying to help them during this hard time

this will be a different Easter...

Covid19 has effected everyone on this planet... It has caused companies to falter,  people to lose their jobs, families to be unable to visit together, and people have died. Schools have closed. Colleges have gone strictly online. Food Pantries have been cleaned out and restocked.

And yet, it has also brought together people. Groups of people are ordering take out from restaurants they have never been to in order to help them stay in business. People have come together to raise money and food in order to serve the children of the school system who depend on school meals to keep them full. People who have been placed at home from work have started sewing masks for nurses and doctors and essential workers. Neighbors are walking around the neighborhood more now and are meeting new people from a distance. Families are staying home together and are playing games and doing crafts together.

this will be a different Easter...

However, the Easter story remains the same. Jesus Christ was beaten, crucified, then hung on a cross for me and for you. He died and was laid in a tomb. He paid the penalty for my sins and for your sins. On the third day, He rose again. His death and resurrection are the reasons we can one day stand before God and be welcomed into heaven... 

He is risen, He is risen indeed.  

pink is not pretty

feel like I am spiraling downward during this boredom 2020... I mean, COVID2020... Last night, I was explaining to one of my children that I am bored... my kids have school to do. my husband still works every day, all day and then has online meetings every night of the week...

I have a zoom Thursday mornings... that is it.

I have cleaned
I have organized
I have pruned bushes back out of season
I have cut grass
I have weeded flower beds
I have read books and watched all of netflix and disney+


however today is the day for my zoom! I have been excited for 24 hours to get to see my students this morning...


woke up with double pink eye


please drive to my house and shoot me

being stuck

been stuck in this house since March 13th... 

four weeks...

i have been stuck before - this is not a new feeling. it is simply a new situation. i have been stuck at a job where i did not want to be. i have been stuck at a weight where i was not happy. i have been stuck in a relationship where i was not valued. i have been stuck at a church where i felt surrounded by hypocrisy. i have been stuck in a circle surrounded by people who struggled with boundaries.

being stuck sucks. it is hard. yet, i have come through this feeling before. 

i have seen the other side of "stuck". 

I left the job and found a new professional home. I have moved around and have found satisfaction with my body and all that it has brought me through. I have eliminated friendships that were hurting me and causing me to hurt myself. I have found a church that is not perfect, but doesn't proclaim to be; instead they meet you where you are, love you there and then bring you closer to God. I have changed my circle of close people to me in order to protect my heart and spirit.

so yes, I am stuck in this house. 

no, I do not enjoy being stuck at all.

being stuck sucks. it is hard.

but I have seen the other side before and I will see it again.

self diagnosis

Three years ago, my oldest child was hit by a truck in a hit and run... It was scary and horrible. We spent over a week in the Neuro-ICU at Duke Hospital. To try to make it through the day, I would joke with his neurologists saying "I watch Greys, I know how this goes"... they would blush and laugh and be awkward. It gave me something to smile about each day. Last year, my daughter gave me a shirt that says "I watch Greys Anatomy so I am basically a surgeon"... it is my life.

Now, as my daughter in nursing school talks about pathogens and random bodily functions, I realize that I basically know nothing about the body I use daily... She explains things to me - I marvel sometimes and almost vomit other times...

While sitting here for three weeks in this house that I once loved but now consider a prison, I am self diagnosing. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I am definitely bored. I read little checklists off of Facebook... I have a stomach ache. No desire to eat at all, but constant desire to snack on anything with no true craving. I want to sleep but my sleep is broken up all night long. Someone posted on Facebook a list of "8 Warning Signs that You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted"... 

I have all of them.

The problem is I need a cure

I need a re-focus 

the walk

everyone had their own stuff to do... one was working on nursing simulations... one was in a meeting for work... one was howling with friends over discord while attempting google classroom...

I had nothing to do

the floors had been cleaned... the toilets had been scrubbed... the dog had been groomed... food had been cooked... two flowerbeds had been weeded... flowers were watered...

I had nothing to do

I decided to have a pity party... I started walking... forgot my ear buds for music but did not turn around... I just walked... got to the end of a street but turned around and kept going... passed my house and kept walking... down a hill... up a freaking mountain... and kept walking...

I had nothing to do

I ended up at my best friend's house... sat on her back porch... 6 feet away or more... drank iced water and sat there for almost two hours...

It gave me life.




I am going to have to make a list of options for myself everyday. I am a person who needs a plan to feel secure. I need to know what is coming and what I am going to do about it. I am learning that being laid back and "going with the flow" does not work for my brain... it puts me in a tailspin.

I do not like being bored. I do not like watching tv all day. I do not want to spend the day in bed. I can not freely roam my home due to everyone else's online meetings. So, I will make a plan...



Wish I could write a book...

at home

So we are in the middle of a quarantine.... I have been home for over two weeks. I have gone to the grocery store or Costco... I have walked around the neighborhood... I have cleaned closets, vacuumed the house more than 5 times a week, texted friends, posted youtubes for my students, attended Zoom meetings online, cooked new recipes and old favorites, and sat on the back parch and cried.

I miss my friends at work. I miss seeing my little students every morning. I miss joking with my teaching partner and solving the earth's problems with her every day. I miss working in my classroom, setting up new centers, getting out craft supplies, organizing the storage closet, and moving things around. It is true that you don't know what you have until it is gone... It is not "gone", but it is absent presently... I would feel a little better if I could just sit in my classroom.... some sense of normalcy.

I know the COVID virus is reason to stay home. I get it. I have a full house right now with two of my children home and my husband working from home. Everyone is spread around the home on conference calls, online classes, and assignments... meanwhile, I have nothing to do. I missed my students so badly that I made all of my videos for the week on Saturday... If I go ahead and do next week's videos, I may go crazy...

I am not made to sit. I am not made to be bored.



But what if God needs me to be bored in order to be able to hear Him...


I don't like it.

wish I was a better listener

complex

It's kind of funny when you think about it. Most people who know me consider me to be an extrovert. Well, I am not. I am bigger than life. I am loud. I try to be funny. I am authentic. However, I think I am a lot of these things because I truly am normally uncomfortable. In group settings, I would prefer to stand against the wall or sit on the outside of the circle... but this is usually the time I am expected or asked to perform... be funny.

I think a lot of my anxiety begins with my need to be invisible but my inability to be invisible... isn't that weird?

If I have to be a part of the group, I want to seem smart, witty, fun, likable, and desired... Yet, I would rather not.

Now, these feelings are not with my family... not with my family of 11 (Subman Family). With my family, I want to be right in the middle. I want to hear all of the side conversations. I want to know how everyone is doing and make sure they don't need anything. With my family, I need them to know and believe that I would lay in front of a train for them...


The strange dichotomy of my crazy brain...
In one case - please do not notice me.
In the next case - please don't leave me out.


I am crazy

I know this fact


I guess I am an extroverted introvert with a complex