yet

"yet"

such a small word but such HUGE capabilities found inside of it

in 1997, I was undergoing daily shots of Fertinex. One Tuesday in May, I found out that I was pregnant. After several years of driving to Atlanta and then to Chapel Hill to see specialists, it had worked. I planned how I would tell my husband. I bought a crib and a stroller... I planned to set them out on Friday night (he worked crazy hours and I wanted it to be BIG). I could not wait. I spent four days planning and thrilled. Then, Friday I started to bleed.

By Friday afternoon, I was laying on the bathroom floor. Friday evening, I had different news that I had to tell Scott... I wanted to die. I knew that I had to return all of the baby stuff that I purchased the following week, and could not stomach even looking at it.

Then Sunday morning, we sat in church. The pastor had the children of the church come to the front, pick up roses, then walk around the sanctuary to hand them to all of the mothers who were present. I wanted to die. I saw a girl approaching... she had a confused look on her face. She knew that I wanted children. She knew that her mother had prayed over me... She looked to her mother for guidance... He mother nodded... so, the child came to me and offered me the rose. I looked at the floor and said, "sorry, I am not a mother..."

but then my husband said one word

"yet"

I had to get up, go down the endless aisle (it was actually a very small church, but I swear that morning the bathroom was in Egypt), and lock myself in a stall.

yet

Scott did not know what God had planned. Scott had actually already said no to adoption many times before that day. Scott did not know that the little word that he spoke would effect me so hard. Scott did not know how much my heart was hurting and the painful roller coaster that I wanted off of.

but thankfully God did

Early in 1998, Scott and I were approached by an older lady in our small church.... "do you two have kids?" 

"not yet"

but then Scott followed with this small phrase... "we are going to adopt"

and it all began, 8 months later I was able to meet my son in a small, dirty orphanage. He was severely mal-nourished, covered in scabies, dirty... and the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on. And best of all, he was mine.

yet

God wasn't done. I came home from Russia feeling like death... and found out that we were 13 weeks pregnant with our girl.

yet

God wasn't done. Eleven days before a scheduled vasectomy, we discovered that we were less than a month pregnant with our third child, another son.

yet

Yet is a huge word in my heart... it is a word of promise. It is a word of hope.

I will always love YET....

a difficult day for many years

Mother's Day... many mothers will wake up and pretend to continue sleeping while secretly giggling under bedsheets, listening to her children make her breakfast. I have showered and had on make up, then dove back into the bed before... many will open the homemade card and ooo and ahhh over little crafts their small kids made and the lotions/candles the big one bought. Many mothers will be treasured today and will go to bed tonight feeling happy and content.

I am blessed to spend my mother's day like this now... but it was not always like this...

The first five Mother's Days of my marriage, I wanted children desperately... I went to doctors, I saw specialists, I took tests, I had procedures, I even had one miscarriage Mother's Day weekend 1997...

I HATED mother's day... everything about it. I did not want to go to church to sit and watch everyone else stand up and be recognized. I did not think I could make it through one more time of seeing my friends get a rose or flower while I sat there empty handed.

I begged for children. I took pills. I had scheduled sex. I was given a shot once a month to make my body ovulate. I had a few painful procedures. I had to give myself a shot in the thigh every day at 4pm for almost 18 months.

still I endured this holiday with empty arms and a hurting heart...


Because God has other plans. Now, it is easy to look back at everything I did and see God's hand all over it. We were not ready for children - we thought we were, but looking back it is easy to see that HE was right. 1997, well, that was the year Alex was born in a small rural town in Russia. Had we been pregnant, I would have missed out on my first born son.

I have had many friends and ladies walk across my path who are going through infertility... today, I am praying for you. I know what it is like to sit in church today (some years I had to stay home). I know the pain your empty arms bring you.... I am praying that your pain will go away soon...

mine did

In 1997, Alexander was born, and we adopted him in October, 1998... in June 1999, we were blessed with Jessica... and six years later, we were surprised with our Caleb.

I have woken early, packed lunches, healed boo-boos, argued, hugged, and loved intensely every day...

God has a plan... be patient... you will not see it all work out... just one day, you will realize that "it" is all better... all the way God planned...

Happy Mother's Day

feeling pretty

Last week, my daughter and I had a "girl's night". She had been wanting to see Wicked for a couple of years. Last time it was in town, Scott and I went... she was jealous. Santa brought her tickets this past Christmas. She was over the moon.

She wanted to start getting ready at 3:30 after school. I let her. She chose a beautiful black dress ($13.99 at target), a brown purse, and her first pair of 2" wedges (more on those in a few).

She spent thirty minutes doing her hair. She went through my jewelry box.

Then we spent another thirty plus minutes straightening her hair.

Only after she felt completely ready, we left... it was 5pm... show started at 8!

I let her choose where we should park. She chose where we ate (Mellow Mushroom). We chatted about boys, friends, music, the future, where she wanted to live, what she thought about her brothers, the book that she is reading, and many other topics that are very important to her... some I enjoyed, some I pretended... but we talked. We laughed. She ordered a Shirley Temple... She acted all grown up. It was as if I was looking into a crystal ball... I loved what I was seeing. I was proud.

As we walked from dinner to our show, slowly and barefooted in the grass section of the outdoor mall, Jess looked at me and said words that I have wanted to hear for awhile now...

"mom, for once, I think I look pretty. I mean, is it wrong to say that I feel pretty?"

Now, I know we are to teach our children to be modest and humble... but my daughter has felt fat and ugly for a while now. Whether it has been due to mean girls, lost loves, or her own insecurities...

I was just thrilled to hear that she finally felt good about her appearance...

We had a wonderful night. The food was yummy, and the show was absolutely amazing...

but the best part of the entire night was being with my girl... my girl...

She looked beautiful, and felt it.