Support

The first time I went to the support group... well, the meeting was less than stellar... Tracey and I went because it was required. All patients of my doctor are required to attend one prior to surgery and one post surgery... When Tracey and I went, there was a speaker talking about her process - I was not impressed. She had only lost weight in a few areas, but was still huge in others. It scared me. Plus when we broke into groups, I about went nuts with the few women in my group who were crazy and had no idea what was going on. I swore I would not go again.

However, last night was different.

A friend who had the surgery a few years ago, met with me a week prior to my surgery. She told me that this process would be so much more mental that physical... She told me that the number one thing she did for herself was to go to support group. I laughed and thought, "that place was nuts"...

However, last night was different.

My friend was right. Last night, a few people discussed how it is hard for them to get in all of their liquids. I am not having trouble with that... A few discussed how hard it is to get in all of their protein. I now have a simple schedule and am hitting my goal every day with protein. I am not having trouble with that at all.

One lady discussed how after her first appointment she was so sad because she had not lost as much as she had anticipated that she cried... I could identify.

This is a mental game. I know that I have lost weight. I know in my head that it will come. But, it is slower than I want of course... so, my mind plays with me. It is easy to get discouraged.

Support group is a good thing. It is important to sit and chat with people that know what you are going through... the people around my house think I am nuts. They each ask how they can help me. Yet, I have no idea... but the people last night have all been there (or are quickly on their way to being there)... It is good to have a group of people to look at and say, "I am tired of hiccups" and all of them laugh and nod....

 

 

on a funny note, there are some who share too much too soon... as I walked in last night, a lady walked along side of me who was one week post-op. Having never met her, I asked, "what did you have?" She said that she had full gastric and was having a lot of trouble with diarrhea and was scared all the time about having an accident and was even wearing depends just in case.... Yea... okay... so, me, the queen of tact, said... "Wow... okay... so, I don't think I caught your NAME"... I have found at these meetings, we identify each person by what they have had versus who they are... kind of funny. It also cracks me up just how personal each of them get and how quickly they will "spill their guts". I guess people just feel safe quickly... I guess that is not a bad thing...

but I am not walking in with the depends lady again....

 

it's mental

I'm slowly learning that bariatric surgery is mental...

 

I am feeling great. Physically, I have no pains. I have small scars that are almost completely healed. I have been "cleared" to re-enter the pool. I know that as long as I have scabs outside that I have healing to do internally...

 

I feel like I could do whatever chore I want. I feel like I should have no limitations.

 

If you see me out and about, you would not know that I had major surgery two weeks ago today...

 

 

But I am having major regrets... I have not lost weight in 6 days. I am not really eating anything of consequence yet. I am walking regularly. In my opinion the weight should be FLYING off.

 

I wish I had full gastric bypass.

I feel like the weight would be moving.

 

In my head, I know that the surgeon chose the surgery that was best for me. He reminded me yesterday that I only had 75-90 pounds to lose not the normal 100-150 of a bariatric patient. He pointed out that I have lost over 15% of my goal weight in two weeks...

 

In my head this all sounds good and true

 

then I look into the mirror and am reminded that I had major surgery and am STILL FAT.

 

this is a mental journey... I will persevere... I will make it and achieve my goal weight...

I just have to learn that I will do it in due time, not overnight...

The end of an era

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is the end of an era. I am crying as I type this blog post. It is a wonderful feeling. Something is over. It is over forever... And sometimes it is good to say goodbye to something or an event...

This week I have said goodbye to the 200 era of my life.

Way back 17 years ago,in 1995, I crested over 200 pounds. I had told myself it would not happen, and that I would never weigh that much... The day I found that I weighed 201, I promised myself that it would be less than a month before I took the weight off.... Yea.... Well, it took 17 years...

But the era is over and will never return.

I have weighed myself every day since my surgery... I have looked forward to being able to say...

I DO NOT WEIGH 200 POUNDS!

I can say it confidently now. I can also say that I will NEVER return to the 200's again.


It is the end of an era in my life..

Amen

Hallelujah

I won

It took me TWO YEARS to convince Scott to marry me... you may chuckle and think that I am kidding... but no. It is a fact. Yes, he loved me... but he was emphatic that he would not marry anyone who he dated in college... hard headed... but

I won

We knew each other in college... we were friends both dating other people... then through a series of events, we found ourselves on a college choir tour and "hung out" with each other for a week... did a little giggling and a little kissing... but in the true to form way that I handle things, at the end of the week, I asked him, "so, are we just having a choir trip fling or will we go out after all of this?" I know, I am subtle. I get told that all of the time.

Scott wanted to date, but was not ready to be exclusive... so, we dated other people... well, I did. Every time he asked me out, I made sure that I had a date with someone else. Until two months later, after he had not gone out with anyone else, HE decided that we should be exclusive... hee hee

I won

Then, our senior year we talked about getting married. He wasn't sure that he would ever get married... I said , "yes you will. next summer you are marrying me." He laughed... but...

I won

In August 1993, My sweet man stood at the front of a small church and smiled as I walked toward him. We sang to each other, laughed loudly with each other, and had a fun afternoon at our wedding. Now, 19 years later, we would do the wedding completely differently... but back then,

I won

Over the years, we have moved five times (each time because I wanted to, and he just went with me), bought a few cars (he let me pick out each one), bought furniture ("whatever you want"), painted walls ("its just color babe, whatever you want"), had three children, changed jobs, gone through surgeries and health problems, and yet... here he stands by me..

I won

So, Happy Anniversary to my love, Scott Sublett...  You and I have been through so much over 19 years... here's to the next 19... I will always remember that

I   WON

amazing daughter

Being the middle child is hard... at least in our house.

My firstborn takes a lot of attention... he has some special needs, needs more help with homework, needs more guidance with friendships and relationships, has at least one doctor appointment per week, numerous prescriptions four times a day, and is always busy at something...

My youngest child is a mess... he is smarter than I ever dreamed, he knows more facts about animals than any adult I have ever met, he loves to create new robots or projects from every spare piece of cardboard in the house, he wants everyone to participate in his imaginative adventures, he has just discovered video games, he loves to draw and create things with his hands,and he will talk for HOURS about animals or anything new has learned or thought of....

My middle child can get overlooked easily. She is a good kid. She can be a little overdramatic, but I think that it just because she wants attention so badly... She makes A's in school and will cry over a 92.7 because even though the teacher gave her an A "she did not really earn the A"... She is helpful and loving. She loves to sing and dance. She loves to laugh and snuggle... if she could do anything right this minute, she would just want to "be" with one of us. It is precious and funny.

But this post is to say, I could not have done this surgery without her. She is reliable and helpful. Most of my appointments have been in Cary... so I am 45 minutes away from my doctor... any appointment I have means around 3 hours of my absence. She babysat Caleb for all of them. She would be smiling when I got home and just giggle while Caleb told me all of the things they had done... playdough, markers, building, legos, movies, popcorn, games...

Scott and Alex have been gone most of the summer with scouts. They have had a great time and have earned a lot of badges and spent a ton of time together... but they have not been here and have no idea just how many appointments and places I have had to go...

But Jess has been here through it all.

She has been my little cheerleader on the sidelines telling me that I could do it...

And I can do it....

with her help

revolving around food

For a week now, I have not been able to eat... Over the past seven days, I have noticed a few things...

Did you know that our lives revolve around food? We live from meal to meal. We meet people for food. We reward with food. We calm children down with food. We make food an event...

Well, when you are not allowed to eat...

if everything revolves around food - you are either not invited or bored.

I have continued to prepare meals for my family. Them eating while I am not has not really been hard. I can see this process as a "means to an end". I do not get mad or upset (yet although those days may come)... but what I have realized is how many useless calories I used to take... licking the knife off, tasting things that I have made for years and know that they taste fine, finishing the last bite for someone, etc..

As I start my new life with my new body, I am going to strive to be different. I think meeting someone for coffee is good... but every outing doesn't have to be for a meal... what about "do you want to go take a walk or a hike?" Why can't we talk with our friends instead of always eating? How about my family going on a bike ride instead of watching a movie?

I am trying to make my life revolve around life... my family, my friends, my church, my work, my interests... I know that food will be involved, but it should not be the focus or goal...

As I am allowed less and less food, I am seeing just how big a part food plays in our society...

maybe that is why there are so many of us who struggle with it...

Fred, Barney, Great Gazoo, and Bambam

On one of my first visits for this surgery, I had to visit a nutritionist to discuss my present nutrition and what it would be like after surgery... Our nutritionist's name is Patrick... He is a quirky sort of fellow. He has some great ideas. He chewed me out about not ever eating breakfast, gave me some ideas for good protein, and had a lot of good stuff.

At the end of the appointment, he said the funniest thing to me and Tracey... "I can see that you are in a hurry and that you are taking time to process... you are like Fred Flinstone. Your feet start spinning and when you hit the ground, you are gone! Whereas you, are more like Barney Rubble... You take your time and make sure it is all good before you start."

So, I looked at him and said "then who are you?" He laughed and claimed to be the little green martian.. Well, I looked it up - that makes him the Great Gazoo!

Last week we were telling Dr Bruce and laughing about it all. He said that it really wasn't fair that Patrick gets to be in our show - so we named Dr Bruce - "Bambam"!!!

So, this week the tales of Fred and Barney continue...

I hope Bambam doesn't hurt

Fred on Thursday!!!

heehee - you know, life is an adventure that will happen whether you enjoy it or not...

so, why not be funny and enjoy it!?!?

more answers

Since coming home on Wednesday from my final results appointment, I have had numerous emails and private messages... so here are more answers to the ones who are interested!

If you do not wish to have more info, you will not hurt my feelings - don't read this... I also do not want every conversation I have to be about my surgery, so I am posting these answers... if you have more questions, I am happy to answer them if I can!

1) what do you eat for your last meal? Well, funny thing... I really did not get a typical "last meal". I was so hopeful that Dr Bruce may have a cancellation this past Thursday, August 2. Therefore, I stopped eating all day Wednesday in order to be able to tell him that I had been on clear liquids and was able to have the surgery early... well, he had no cancellations... AND he decided to completely blow my mind by telling me that I immediately needed to go on a "liver reduction" diet... so, no more food... my "last meal" was a salad only at pizza inn... it was very good, and I would love to have it right now!

2)why do you have to go on a liver reduction diet? Your liver is just like your stomach... it is a growing organ. If you eat and stretch your stomach, you have stretched your liver as well. Because I want to have this procedure laproscopically, I need to be able to provide my surgeon with as much space to maneuver as possible. So, I am on the liver reduction diet in order to make is smaller and more able to be held up and away from my stomach during the surgery.

3) what is a liver reduction diet? It is horrible. It is a high protein shake that is very thick. It is not your normal over the counter protein powder... it is very concentrated. I bought the cappuccino flavored hoping for the best. They are 120 calories each. I am allowed 3-4 shakes a day, so that is at the most 480 calories a day... So far on Thursday and Friday I was only able to drink two full shakes... I will attempt three today - but it is not looking promising. I am drinking a ton of water and crystal light tea. I am praying this liver of mine is becoming tiny...

4) what are you going to miss most? I love popcorn... I love beef... everyone knows that about me. It will be a long time before I have either of these again... maybe 6-8 weeks for the cow... maybe 6-8 months for the pop corn. However, even then the amount will be so dramatically different... I will not even be able to eat a "kids tray" at the movies or a 6 ounce fillet... But, at least I know I will not have to give up my favorites permanently... I did have to give up caffeine and carbonation... I gave them both up a month ago, and do not miss them at all. I thought it would be horrible, but it has not been an issue at all.

5) How will your diet change? The first few weeks will be nuts. If you are interested in that diet, let me know... but after I move to "real" food... I will be "allowed" to eat whatever type of food my body will tolerate. Some who have had this surgery complain that milk-based products make their bellies hurt. Some can eat three bites of ice cream, but the fourth bite will make them sick. I will have to take three vitamins every day for the rest of my life. I will also have to drink 65 ounces of liquid a day. I also need 60-80 grams of protein every day forever... This sounds daunting, but after researching it I  really do not think it will be horrible.

Basically, every thing I put in my mouth needs to count... whether is towards the liquid (jello and sugarfree Popsicles count toward liquids) or toward the protein (did you know that jello has protein and that hummus is a great source while I am on soft food?)... I have been told that after surgery you become a sort of "food Nazi" because every bite matters... if I can only eat 2-3 ounces, I need to make them count... I should not just fill by gut up with junk... what a waste? I should make those bites the best bites ever!

any more questions?

just ask!

Consequences stink

Sometimes consequences stink

My oldest wanted to buy a laptop this summer... My middle never mentioned wanting one...

We sat down, discussed ways to make money, made a plan, and had a probable outcome of a laptop by September one... He was so excited!

But consequences got in the way

First of all, he broke a window... That was $80. Then, he dropped my ipod and it broke... That was $300. So, he had to spend $380 all because of natural consequences... No punishment was needed from me. Life alone took care of it.

Consequences stink

A friend of our family decided to sell her ipad2 for $280. An iPad with the use of a Bluetooth keyboard is the perfect inexpensive laptop for a 15 or 13 year old... My oldest wanted this iPad more than life... However, he only had about $120. We had discussed way back in May that his parents would not be helping financially in any way. His actions would prevent him from buying the laptop and even the less expensive iPad.

My middle child heard about the iPad. She counted her cash and discovered over $350... She bought the iPad and the keyboard. She was so excited to have a laptop-like thingy...

I have tried to teach all three of my kids that ALL CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES. The summer my oldest has learned this lesson on his own. He had a great summer. He earned over 25 merit badges, attended two scout camps, rode over 50 miles on his bike, went on a 50 mile hike through the mountains of West Virginia, had fun at the pool, got along great with his siblings... But he will not have a laptop for September...

Consequences....well, you get the idea.

sleeping

I am still sitting this bed at the sleep study... it was really comfortable last night. Last time I was here, I did not think that I slept well... but last night, I slept very well. I was in a dead sleep when Preston came in this morning... and I wanted to roll over and ignore him... of course all of the cords and wires prevented me from doing that!

I tried on several face masks. Some where huge, some only covered the nose... the one that I chose just had nose plugs... very small.... But, it was crazy - they were right. I slept great! I brought home my loaner machine and strangely enough, I cannot wait to sleep with it tonight.... I know, I am weird. But I will say I slept better last night with a mask on, four things attaches to my scalp, seven things attached to my face, two attached to my chest, two attached to my left leg, and two straps attached snuggly around my chest and gut.... completely weird...

Tomorrow I will head over to Wake Med Cary... I have a two hour appointment for all of my pre-op stuff... Do not know exactly what they will be doing - but really do not care! I am just ready for things to start working...

I started second guessing myself yesterday... do not get me wrong, not having the surgery has NEVER been a thought. I just think about whether or not the "smallest" of the surgeries is what I want... I know that slower will be better - I just want to insure that I lose 70-90 pounds... I want a huge change... and like most people I would like for it to happen tomorrow. I am going to continue on the road with the sleeve. Following surgery I will walk my butt off for two weeks, then move into the weight room... I will not be able to return to my LGN class until week 6, but I will return. I HAVE to, in order to achieve my goals, I will do it all.

Epiphany 2012 is in full motion.

"I do not have to do anything I do not want to do... and I do not want to be fat."

yay!

i have a date!

So, I had my final results appointment this morning... well, it started in the morning and lasted through 3pm...

I passed all of the tests with the exception of the sleep study. Thankfully, I will be able to have a cpap machine for surgery. They are going to give me a loaner machine.

After hearing my results, we had a long meeting about what I will be allowed to eat or should I say DRINK over the next three weeks! I have to admit that I was not very thrilled over all of the many... okay, FEW choices that I will have.

When I met with Dr Bruce, I requested to have the surgery tomorrow... he laughed and thought I was kidding - of course, then I told him that I stopped eating yesterday and had been on clear liquids all day just in case he had a cancellation for tomorrow - He thought that was funny and hilarious... however, there were no cancellations!

I will be having surgery on Thursday, August 9th around lunchtime.  I can not even begin to write or explain just how excited I am. I feel as though I will have a second chance with life starting next Thursday afternoon. It is crazy....

I am sitting here in the big bed at the sleep study... thinking about all I need to do before next Thursday... I start my "liver reduction diet" tomorrow morning. I did buy the cappuccino flavor and plan to make it with decaff coffee... I am hoping it will be halfway yummy... we will see. I will be eating/drinking about 3-4 times a day until Tuesday evening... then clear liquids only on Wednesday before surgery!

Here's to the new me... here's to shopping in regular stores... here's to sitting in plastic lawn chairs without worrying that they will break...