not for the weak

As a young adult, I so desperately wanted to make my own choices. I knew that I actually understood what was going on. When things went wrong for me, I ran home... home was where I could find support and truth. Home was safe and protected.

As a mother, I so desperately want to make all of the choices for my children. I know that I actually understand what is going on. When things go wrong for them, I want them to run home. Home is where I will offer support and truth. Home is where they will always be safe and protected.

I wish that knowledge, life mistakes, successes, and life experiences were hereditary... Motherhood would be easier on my heart if I could save them heartache by letting them see how I overcame mine.

No one warns you about parenting... A nurse hands you the little bundle in the white, thin blanket with two light blue stripes and one little pink stripe. They test your car seat, show you how to bath them, watch you feed them, and then push you in your wheelchair to your car and send you home with well wishes... 

Parenting is not for the weak. 

a different Easter

this will be a different Easter...

we have not been shopping for new Easter outfits - instead, we will attend church in lounge clothes or pajamas

we will not attend church in our beautiful sanctuary with stained glass windows and beautiful communion - instead, we will gather around the TV and watch our pastor deliver our Easter message online

we will not shake the hands and hug the necks of loved ones in church - instead, we will write notes on the "live chat" space and send texts to church members throughout the message

we will not wait in line for lunch having forgotten to make reservations anywhere - instead, we will order takeout from a small local restaurant trying to help them during this hard time

this will be a different Easter...

Covid19 has effected everyone on this planet... It has caused companies to falter,  people to lose their jobs, families to be unable to visit together, and people have died. Schools have closed. Colleges have gone strictly online. Food Pantries have been cleaned out and restocked.

And yet, it has also brought together people. Groups of people are ordering take out from restaurants they have never been to in order to help them stay in business. People have come together to raise money and food in order to serve the children of the school system who depend on school meals to keep them full. People who have been placed at home from work have started sewing masks for nurses and doctors and essential workers. Neighbors are walking around the neighborhood more now and are meeting new people from a distance. Families are staying home together and are playing games and doing crafts together.

this will be a different Easter...

However, the Easter story remains the same. Jesus Christ was beaten, crucified, then hung on a cross for me and for you. He died and was laid in a tomb. He paid the penalty for my sins and for your sins. On the third day, He rose again. His death and resurrection are the reasons we can one day stand before God and be welcomed into heaven... 

He is risen, He is risen indeed.  

pink is not pretty

feel like I am spiraling downward during this boredom 2020... I mean, COVID2020... Last night, I was explaining to one of my children that I am bored... my kids have school to do. my husband still works every day, all day and then has online meetings every night of the week...

I have a zoom Thursday mornings... that is it.

I have cleaned
I have organized
I have pruned bushes back out of season
I have cut grass
I have weeded flower beds
I have read books and watched all of netflix and disney+


however today is the day for my zoom! I have been excited for 24 hours to get to see my students this morning...


woke up with double pink eye


please drive to my house and shoot me

being stuck

been stuck in this house since March 13th... 

four weeks...

i have been stuck before - this is not a new feeling. it is simply a new situation. i have been stuck at a job where i did not want to be. i have been stuck at a weight where i was not happy. i have been stuck in a relationship where i was not valued. i have been stuck at a church where i felt surrounded by hypocrisy. i have been stuck in a circle surrounded by people who struggled with boundaries.

being stuck sucks. it is hard. yet, i have come through this feeling before. 

i have seen the other side of "stuck". 

I left the job and found a new professional home. I have moved around and have found satisfaction with my body and all that it has brought me through. I have eliminated friendships that were hurting me and causing me to hurt myself. I have found a church that is not perfect, but doesn't proclaim to be; instead they meet you where you are, love you there and then bring you closer to God. I have changed my circle of close people to me in order to protect my heart and spirit.

so yes, I am stuck in this house. 

no, I do not enjoy being stuck at all.

being stuck sucks. it is hard.

but I have seen the other side before and I will see it again.

self diagnosis

Three years ago, my oldest child was hit by a truck in a hit and run... It was scary and horrible. We spent over a week in the Neuro-ICU at Duke Hospital. To try to make it through the day, I would joke with his neurologists saying "I watch Greys, I know how this goes"... they would blush and laugh and be awkward. It gave me something to smile about each day. Last year, my daughter gave me a shirt that says "I watch Greys Anatomy so I am basically a surgeon"... it is my life.

Now, as my daughter in nursing school talks about pathogens and random bodily functions, I realize that I basically know nothing about the body I use daily... She explains things to me - I marvel sometimes and almost vomit other times...

While sitting here for three weeks in this house that I once loved but now consider a prison, I am self diagnosing. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I am definitely bored. I read little checklists off of Facebook... I have a stomach ache. No desire to eat at all, but constant desire to snack on anything with no true craving. I want to sleep but my sleep is broken up all night long. Someone posted on Facebook a list of "8 Warning Signs that You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted"... 

I have all of them.

The problem is I need a cure

I need a re-focus