March 23, 2013

Apparently I need a shrink... (*updated*)

So I had a check up yesterday... My BMI is down more than 10%. My weight is down significantly. Whereas I had been headed to diabetes, my levels are now at the point that I am not even considered "at risk" any longer. The first time I met Dr Glavin I was wearing size 22 pants and a 3x shirt... Yesterday I wore size 10 jeans and a size large tshirt... My doctor had wonderful words of encouragement for me to continue...

But

Then she started asking me how I felt.

I told her about my jogging. I mentioned how I enjoy shopping with people now. I discussed my 5k and then how I ran the "Sublett Half" in 2 hours and 53 minutes. I told her how my children have mentioned being proud of me. My oldest said that he had been embarrassed in the past that I looked different than the mothers of his peers, but I don't anymore...

Then she asked me again how I felt.

I told her I was becoming more involved as a parent. I told her about confirmation weekend and the walking and hiking did not bother me like it would have a year ago. I told her that I have promised my boys that I would camp OUTSIDE this summer.

Yet again, she asked me how I felt.

I told her



Apparently I need a shrink

***** UPDATE*****

I am not depressed necessarily nor am I not thankful for what I have gone through... I truly BELIEVE everything listed up above... I have received a few emails and texts from readers who are concerned... ALL I stated to my doctor is that it does not seem fair that I could lose what I have lost, work as hard as I am trying, run as far as I have, eaten as little as I have, and yet...

look worse than I ever have

Not in clothes, mind you... I look so much better. I am talking about "in the raw"... Swimsuit season is coming. This is a season that puts most women into a tailspin frenzy. I get it... I just have so much skin that looks so gross. I have NO desire to allow anyone other than my immediate family view this loveliness!!!  haha

And for those of you who remind me that I can have the skin removed, you are right... however due to changes in healthcare that are imminent, I may have to pay for all of it out of pocket which will greatly change the amount I can remove and the timing of when it would happen.

So, I need to change my way of thinking... This skin is a trophy of my work, of where I have been and what I have worked through, the emotional eating that controlled my life and the significance that I am past that problem, of what I have put my body through and what I am capable of overcoming...

I will not change my mind today... but I have tried to start the change. I will get there.

This blog is to help my friends who are going down a similar path... I do not write my "heart's story" for pity but for those who need to know that while they struggle as well, they are not alone... not everyone who is looking better is actually feeling better... For my friends to know that we are all in this battle together, just at different stages....

March 19, 2013

Satan is good

So I had a great weekend... Prayed a lot... Grew... relaxed... laughed.. really sought after God and found Him in a big way...

then Monday came

I had a rough afternoon... kids were grouchy, traffic stunk, the youngest fought me to take a bath, the oldest sneaked all kinds of snacks and mess to his room, the middle has play practice until 9pm that lasted until after 10pm, I was stressed and trying to pay bills, Scott had to work "past 7" than ended up being past 11pm...

then I gave up and went to bed... only to have a terrible nightmare...

brief synopsis
Scott came home from working late, we were talking... the older two kids woke up...
then, I learned that he was cheating on me and had been for over 2 years...
He smiled and laughed about it in my face
things that he said touched all of my insecurities
"I married you and then you got fat. Now, you have lost all the weight
but look worse because you are so flabby - why would I
stay with you"
when I started crying and screaming, he left out the door
my parents walked across the street and my
father says "why wouldn't he leave? have you seen yourself?"
 
 
I woke up crying... drank some water... calmed down... laid back down
 
dreamed the EXACT same dream a second time. Got up and washed my face.
Then went back to bed again.
 
 
dreamed the EXACT same dream a third time but with some added details at the end...
I gave up and got up into the shower.
 
 
 
Satan knew that I was in a good place. He knew where my insecurities lie. He attacked every one of them... He got my focus off of God and back onto me.
 
Satan is smart.
 
But, God is better and smarter... Now I know that plan of attack, I am ready. I wish I could tell you that I was not defeated yesterday, but I was...
 
but I will not be defeated today.... no, not today.

March 18, 2013

Needed every step

Recently, we started really plugging into our new church... Scott helped chaperone a youth ski trip... I performed in a church wide musical... But this past weekend was amazing.

In the Methodist church, young middles schoolers go through confirmation. It is a class that they attend once a week for a few months, a retreat, and then they have the choice of joining their church. My daughter is taking the classes... More importantly, SO AM I! My pastor thought it would be a great idea for me to attend with her. So, I am learning about the Methodist denomination, scriptures that I have been familiar with for years, and more of what our personal church believes and practices. I have learned a lot and have enjoyed going through it with Jessica and her 8 friends in the class.

This past weekend we went to Lake Junaluska. It was a district wide weekend for confirmands to learn about the promises they make through confirmation. The praise and worship was more like what I had grown accustomed in a previous church and I LOVED it. The sermons were decent and gave me a lot to think about. The classes were interesting and only explained further the things that I needed to understand. The tweens that went were fantastically behaved and a joy to hang out with. The food was yummy and the beds were comfortable. The scenery was beyond beautiful, and it was definitely in my top 5 most beautiful places I have witnessed....

But I am especially glad I went because of what I experienced... For me... On Saturday night, my pastor/friend had us walk through a prayer labyrinth... As we walked by ourselves on the way to the center, I was to pray at each curve about things I needed to transform in my heart... As I walked back out towards the opening, I was to pray at each curve about how I could conform to the desires of Jesus in my life... I am probably wording this wrong... But regardless, it was powerful. I am walking around this path with five adults and 8 kids... But I was completely alone in thought and prayer. I have had a crazy last 8 months... I have struggled in relationships, self pity, self doubt, self worth, new friendships, trying to learn new things, new church, new clothes, finances, raising three very different children, and meanwhile trying to do the right things... This time in prayer was needed. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about these things before... Several times. But this night was different. I was able to walk and release. I approached the throne of God, knelt before Him, and was finally able to lay these problems, personal struggles, and personal sins at the feet of Christ... It was very freeing... I needed every step.

March 17, 2013

He is driving

Never thought this day would come... okay, I did, but I never though it would come this soon.

My oldest turned 15 in June 2012, but was unwilling to take his test for his permit. He decided that driving was dangerous. In October, I finally got him to take the classroom part of the class. He passed and was ready for the driving portion. He drove with Coach Rodeo for a few days in December and passed that as well. I just knew that he would want to get his permit as soon as possible.

but

Around Christmas, there was a terrible wreck that involved some teens in our area. Two of them were badly injured and two were killed. Alex immediately decided to not drive.

It took almost a month, but I had convinced him to go to the DMV!

but

On January 17, a childhood friend of Alex's was in a horrific car accident that has had a huge impact on him... Noah has had significant trauma to his brain and will have a very long recovery. Alex again decided that he did not want to drive.

We had a wonderful lady and her daughter offer to help him study for the DMV test. Alex actually worked with Anna for over an hour one Wednesday night after church. She quizzed him on points and insurance questions. She helped him a ton. He agreed to take the test that Friday.

So, on Friday, Febuary 8th, we drove out to Hillsborough and waited for an hour... His nerves were shot and truthfully, so were mine. I had convinced him that he could take the test, fail it, and then we would just know what to review in order to pass it on Monday!

But he passed on his first time! He was so proud and thrilled! As we were stepping out of the DMV office, we had the nicest surprise in a long time... The kind mother/daughter team had seen on facebook that we were at the DMV, so they grabbed a bag of chocolate and headed to meet him!

They said they had chocolate to congratulate him or console him! I was so glad that he was able to brag about PASSING!

Now he begs to drive at every point of getting into the car... truthfully, he is doing well and I am sure my blood pressure will come down by the time I turn 50... 9 years from now!

March 10, 2013

Took 41 years... But I did it

When I was a child, I adored my grandfather. He let me work in the garden with him. He taught me how to climb a tree. He let me pick grapes and eat them without washing them first. He would let me ride in the wheelbarrow while he ran around his backyard. He would eat my butter beans or other yuckies while my dad wasn't looking. He taught me how to scrape them into my napkin then excuse myself to the bathroom to flush them down the toilet! He let me wrap Tippy (his dog) in a towel and pretend he was my baby. But most of all, he always fixed me a cup of coffee when he fixed his... I'm sure it was milk/sugar with just a splash of coffee... But it made me feel like I was such a grown-up and his absolute favorite grandchild!

When I would have an "only child stubborn and spoiled" temper tantrum, I always threatened to run away to my papa's house... My mother always said, "Honey, it is too far away. You could not run that far..."

She is no longer right about that...

A couple of months ago, I had a momentary brain loss... I signed up to run a half marathon. It is scheduled for March 17th... However a few weeks ago, I was asked to helped with Jessica's confirmation class and retreat... It is very important to my daughter and to me... So, this means that I had a way out of the marathon!

But then I got to thinking... If I made a commitment to myself to run a half marathon, I needed to do it. No more excuses. I had been training. I had been wanting that 13.1 sticker on my pilot. I could do it...

My oldest son was working on a hiking merit badge. He needed to complete 20 miles yesterday. I vowed to do at least 13 miles with him and his father would do 7 miles with him. Saturday, we got up at 7:30 to stretch and prepare. He packed a backpack of Gatorade and we headed out... I have to admit that I really felt great for the first 10 miles! The last couple were a sincere struggle...

 I did it! I completed 13.2 miles in under three hours.

As he and I approached our 7th mile, we were cresting the top of Guess Road, and to my left was my papa's house... I could not help but smile...

It may have taken me 41 years, but I CAN run away to my papa's house. He would be so proud. I wish he were still here... I could run up there and enjoy a wonderful cup of coffee and laugh over our good times from years past...

March 08, 2013

Labels

My oldest child has some special needs. We have known from the beginning that he would struggle in some areas. Almost from day one, we were aware that ADHD was a probability... Then we learned more about his OCD... A couple of years later we started learning about frontal lobe problems...

Each step of the way, we have had testing. We have tried to research our hearts out and make sure that we could find out everything we could about each issue. We have had more conferences with teachers than I could care to count... I have tried to be as proactive as possible.

Two weeks ago, I met a teacher from a local school. She showed interest in my kid... Asked a lot of questions... Had ideas to help him and make sure that he had a future... Having never met my oldest, she asked if he had Aspergers Syndrome... Had never thought of this diagnosis

I immediately hit the computer and started searching and reading. I contacted both the psychiatrist and the psychologist... I requested more testing and meetings.

The more we read and the more we talk about it, this random meeting with a complete stranger is changing our lives.

This fall, my oldest will change schools. He has attended the same school for six years... He is scheduled to graduate in two years...

But

This lovely lady has offered to help my kid

It has taken a few weeks to warm up to the idea, but now my kid is happy about the change. We are going to move to a vocational track and get him a trade... This is going to give us hope and a chance for a great future!

So I am writing this to try to implore you to not be scared of labels... We may not always like them, but if used correctly they can help. My son's new label is going to help us get him the assistance that he needs. His label will ensure that he will get federal assistance with getting a job, keeping a job, and learning to budget his paychecks and such.

Labels can be blessings