so very thankful

I am so very thankful... 

the list is ridiculously blessed long of the many things/people I am thankful for:

• so thankful that I can worship and learn about my God in a free country
• so thankful for the men/women who stand in harm's way to provide that freedom for me and my family
• so very thankful for my husband who provides me with patience and unending love when I am nuts and has never been judgmental about my size or looks... I am blessed beyond measure to have a man who has loved me from size 14 to 24 and back to a 10... he is the answer to most women's prayers, but is MINE
• so thankful for three healthy children who drive me crazy and give my joy
• so thankful for my parents and Scott's parents and his grandmother to be able to enjoy this holiday with us again this year
• so thankful for my sister (okay, sister-in-law but the closest thing to a sister I will ever have!) and her hubby (okay, my husband's brother, but chill out) and all 7 of her children who bring me laughter and tears and happiness by being in my home right now
• thankful for a job where I can work along-side friends and play with children while getting a paycheck - with hours that allow my children to continue to think I am a stay-at-home mom and can be there for them at any hour
• thankful for friends who I can call on in the middle of the night, chat with on facebook, laugh over coffee with, cry with, argue with, hug on, and love me even when I am unlovely
• so very thankful for my warm home - warm in temperature and warm in love
• thankful for the smells coming from my kitchen even at this early hour

Thanksgiving has come into my home... and I am so very thankful

He did it!

This is a couple of weeks late - forgive me!

My oldest has been striving toward his Eagle rank. He completed his project in August. He completed the paperwork in September. He received all of his six letters of recommendation in September.

All that was left was the Eagle Board of Review... that dreaded meeting with four scoutmasters/asst scoutmasters that he had never met before... his own father not permitted to be with him... they would ask questions that he would have to answer confidently and completely... He needed to be able to communicate with eye contact...

My son has most of the characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome. He struggles with communication. He is completely aware of these struggles. He faces it daily. It is difficult to ask for help in the classroom. He has a hard time facing an adult with a problem or if he is being challenged. He has been working on eye contact and a strong voice for years... we practiced and role played the Board of Review for WEEKS...

On October 30th, my son sat before his board. They asked questions about his project. They questioned him about the benefits of scouting in his life. He was asked about what he planned to do with scouts in the future. He told them about his favorites things in scouts and he future professional plans...

HE DID IT.

After his interview, they voted unanimously to award his hard work.

My son will forever be an EAGLE SCOUT.

We will host a big party for him in January after the holidays. He is already forming a list of people who he has loved and looked up to over the years that he wants us to invite. We are thrilled for him!

Last week, he attended a ceremony for a fellow scout... The Eagle Scouts in attendance were asked to stand and say something... He smiled from ear to ear and stood with great pride as he repeated the words. It was his first time being recognized as an Eagle Scout... what a beautiful sight!

I am proud of my kid... he has completed a feat that less than 10 scouts out of 100 ever complete... 

He is and will always be an Eagle Scout!

time after time

I have to remind myself that I make the same mistakes over and over again...

I swear off cussing... then something happens or I stump my toe, and "it's back"...
I swear off carbs... then I see Outbacks' brown bread loaf, and "it's back"...
I swear that I will not allow myself to be manipulated... then I get the phone call, and the next thing I know I am back to doing things out of guilt and a feeling of obligation that is fabricated.

So, I should not be surprised when I see the very weaknesses in my children...
They are just as human and created out of the very same flesh as I...
They have no desire to be in trouble any more than I...
They want to be loved and accepted the same as I...

we are the same...

different struggles, same result...

 

 

Lord, help me to be more patient when I see my own faults in my children. Help me to be able to guide them to the cross instead of the horrible words and guilt that I instinctively throw at them...

Help me to be able to demonstrate grace...

the very same grace that You extend to me time after time....

 

 

 

 

~ALS

in reality

It has been a long time since I blogged.

 

• Life is crazy and busy.
• I celebrated a year of change.
• I sent my youngest to second grade and changed his school.
•  I went through weeks of trying to set up my teens' schedules and then moved them to a new high school.
• I celebrated 20 years of marriage.
• I started back as the music and creative mov't teacher for my preschool...

those are just the bullet points...

In reality, my teens are happy. I spent MONTHS struggling over what would be the best decision for them. With one entering high school for the first time and one starting his junior year, I wanted to be sure to not "go with my gut". I wanted to be informed and get it right. Their new school is not perfect... but it is perfect for them. They both have teachers that they LOVE and one that they can tolerate barely... They both have found a nucleus of friends to hang out with during lunch and from class to class. Their grades are good and their extra time is quickly being filled with homework, projects, and fun things with friends. The texting has increased and so have the laughs. I am relieved and thanking the Lord for the right decision.

In reality, my young one is bored. He loves his teacher. He has great friends in his class and genuinely likes his teacher. He just says that there is a lot of talking and lecturing and no learning... we call him the professor for a reason. He adores music and his music teacher. His art teacher is a special lady as well... Those classes keep his head above water and keep him sane - add them to a twice a week visit to the library for fresh reading material, and he is enjoying school. He also changed schools this year. He is back at his original school. He compares it to coming home. He was thrilled to tell me that the principal said goodbye to him one day BY NAME... cracked me up. He doesn't understand that I have been friends with the principal for about 14 years!

In reality, I have been married for 20 years. Now, we did not truly celebrate... I think we exchanged cards to each other while passing thru the kitchen from one activity to another. Most would stop and say, "wow, that's terrible"... but that is how our life is. Doesn't mean that either one of us loves the other any less. We are at a busy time in our lives. Three kids in three different directions. He is in a band and a leader in boy scouts. We both work and try to be at church as much as possible. It is possible and probable that we are juggling too many balls in the air, but none are falling yet. Twenty years ago, we were busy. He was in graduate school, and I was teaching high school. He worked at a hotel from 10pm-7am, and I coached cheerleading through out football and basketball seasons. We were very involved in our church and choirs.... today is no different. It is how we are wired... It works most of the time... but I am still looking forward to eating out at some point together and celebrating over 20 years with a good man, hard worker, and good father.

In reality, I love my job. I get paid to play games and sing silly songs... the kids are funny, cute and say things that I should write down because it could fill a book. The friendships that I have received from this job are incredible. I have a nucleus of ladies surrounding me who are wonderful. I am a blessed lady that I get to spend my mornings Monday thru Fridays with cute kids and great friends.

As for my life changes... a little over a year ago I chose to make huge changes in my life. They have not been easy. I have lost some weight. I have changed some eating habits. I have tried to exercise. I am attempting to get my entire family to move more and eat less... it became an obsession. I am pulling back... not from my changes, but from forcing them on my kids as well... all three kids have had their physicals this month... all three kids got graded "perfect" from their doctors and I was told to relax... I struggle because I was fat. I have struggled with my self image for years and do not want my children to face this struggle too... It is a relief to hear that we are all doing well and moving in the right direction...

In reality, I love to blog... but life got in the way... I am back. I will return to my writings... they keep me sane...

a step closer to an eagle...

My 16 year old discovered scouting about two and a half years ago... he loves it. He has earned merit badges galore. He has been on almost every single hiking trip possible. He would sleep in a tent or a hammock every night if we would allow it. He has ridden over 300 miles on his bike since joining scouts. He just finished hiking 92 miles while carrying over 40 pounds on his back across New Mexico. He can pack a bag in a seconds notice. He is happy to start a fire or whittle a "sword" for his brother. He is the pure definition of an "outdoors man"...

 

Now it is time for the boy scout to become an Eagle Scout... this past Saturday, Alex completed his Eagle Project... he had over 35 guys and dads come out to help him work on our church/preschool playground.... they removed a couple dead trees, removed a slide that was not in a safe position and then re-installed it to a better location, and then they laid new mulch in low areas making the slides and swings a safer place to play.

 

It was a full day of work from 7:30am-4pm. Alex was tired... but not just because he had to work. Alex had to lead. He had to communicate his wishes and plan to the guys and instruct them on how to complete the project. He was equipped with a list of jobs, ideas to keep guys moving, and encouraging words to use.

 

He did a great job. Not only because the playground looks amazing, but also because he did it... Alex does not enjoy telling people what to do and trying to communicate with large groups of people... but he did it with a smile and a lot of success.

 

there is power in prayer!

 

Now, he must get 5 letters of recommendation, write a paper about his life goals, and then sit in front of an eagle board of review... just a few more steps, and he will achieve EAGLE SCOUT...

 

I am such a proud mama!

 

they put mulch and mats under the swings

they added mulch to the sandbox for "construction" play

 

mulch around steps making it easier to climb up for the kids (cub scouts helped too!)

 

had to dig out the slide from 3+ feet of concrete

 

 

had to use over 900 pounds of concrete to install the slide in a new location 

 

was dead asleep before 7pm!

 

Happy Anniversary to only ME

I have always considered anniversaries to be something that you share with someone... your first date, your wedding, a special happening with a close friend or family member, a death of a loved one... You celebrate or mourn WITH someone...

 

Today is

 

MY anniversary.

 

A year ago today, I changed my life forever. Many of you, my friends, remember that last year on July 18th I made the decision that I would not be fat for another year... it makes so many people uncomfortable for me to say that word... sorry... But that is how I felt. I was fat. I fluctuated between 220 and 230 pounds... I was tired a lot. My feet hurt. My knee hurt. I sat a lot. I did not play with my children. I was not a confident person.... But I decided to do something completely different than anything I had done in 16 years...

 

I put myself first.

 

As a wife, I attempt to put Scott first. I plan meals around his likes and dislikes. I decorate in colors or patterns that he would not think are too feminine. We go out to supper at places that I think he would enjoy. I try to handle the children's appointments without making him leave work. I work around his schedule 95% of the time. I try to handle the kids' homework hours so that he is not bombarded when he hits the door. When they go camping, I pack all of the medications ahead of time so he will not be bothered by it. I attempt to think ahead and plan to keep the stress at a minimum if possible... I love my man and try to be the best wife I can be.

 

As a mother, I attempt to keep my children at the top of my list of priorities. Their clothes and shoes are purchased before I even look at the budget to consider myself. If they have plans, I push mine aside and taxi them wherever necessary. I have not gone back to work full time so that I can continue to volunteer in their classrooms, schools, and such. I have driven them to school and picked them up from school almost every day of their lives. We have "done without" many times in order to keep me part-time working and more available to my three children. I go without sleep when they are sick. I will do whatever it takes to make their lives as simple as possible while still attempting to teach them responsibility and manners... I adore my children and try to be the best mother I can be.

 

But last summer Scott and I had a long talk... He empowered me to finally do something for just myself... no one needed or wanted me to do it... no one asked or begged me to do it... no one expected it of me or demanded it of me... quite the opposite... People thought I had lost my mind.

 

I was the funny, chubby lady. You could count of me to be loyal, funny, brassy, or silly. Most could not see the sad, depressed, and uncomfortable Amanda...

 

On August 9th, I had surgery... I was given a gastric sleeve. For those who have not followed my journey, your stomach is shaped like a kidney bean... when the surgeon cut mine, he started at the top right corner and cut diagonally, therefore making my stomach to look like a "sleeve" of a long sleeve shirt or small banana.

 

One year ago today I had something done that I thought was only to benefit ME... I was wrong. One year and 75 pounds later, I am a better mother.... I play with my children. I can ride a bike again. I jog. I run. I take long walks. I eat better. I am a better example for my kids to follow. I can cut grass for three hours, sweat a ton with my oldest, and then spend another two hours cutting down trees and hauling the limbs away... I have more energy. I can be an active participant in life. I have a confidence that I have never experienced in my lifetime.

 

I am not perfect. I am not where I want to be... but I am content for the first time in over 15 years. I have lost friends, but made many more new ones. I have removed bad habits, but started some much better ones.

 

One year ago today I changed my life....

 

Happy Anniversary to ME

 

May I always celebrate the lady that I am becoming... upward and onward... trying to surround myself with positive people and places... trying to be the woman I was created to be...

here I am three years ago...

 

 

 Here is the new Amanda... much happier!

 

She gave him life, then let us show him how to live

My first born...

While I was struggling with desperately wanting to have children, on the other side of our planet... There was a lady who was pregnant and scared... Scared that she could not afford a child, scared that she had no prenatal care, no way to take care of a kid, she had no husband nor did she know who was the father of her son... 

She did not have the money to buy healthy food for herself. Her water was not pure, clean, or clear. She was in danger of losing what little she had due to this pregnancy. She had no job and was barely getting by.

But she opted to not kill her son.

She could have aborted her baby. Life would have gone back to normal. It would have alleviated some pressure from her life. She could have avoided the stares from peers in public when they heard she was not married or in a relationship. She could have had more time and energy to find a job.

But she opted to give me a son.

On June 19, 1997, she walked into a hospital and gave birth to a boy. She checked out of the hospital the same day. She did return though. She went back and filled out the appropriate paperwork so that her baby could have a chance. She wrote a letter giving the state the permission to find a better choice for her baby (I have a copy of this letter).

Little Kirsonov Alexander Pavlovich was tiny. The nurses felt compassion on him. They knew that as soon as he left the hospital he would get little/no food... They invented things to test him for.... Polio, rickets, ibs, measles, etc. Each test prolonged his stay in the hospital by a week at least. Instead of sending him to the orphanage at three days old, he stayed in the hospital receiving full strength formula until October of 1997. But then they could do no more for him and he had to go. 

The orphanage that he was taken to was a home to 60 children under the age of two years old. He was never given a bottle again. He had no baby food. His formula was given to him in a cup with no lid. Instead of four scoops of formula to a cup, he was rarely given one full scoop. At nine months old, he would occasionally be given cabbage or potatoes- not baby food, just boiled. The orphanage was only given money when a child was adopted... But no one had come in over a year. The women who worked there had not been paid in 9 months. The workers had sold the orphanage van (their only transportation) in order to have money to buy seeds and lights- they used their dirt floored garage to plant cabbage and potatoes and then would padlock the garage to keep their garden safe.

Little Sasha ("baby alex" in Russian), had never tasted meat, fruit, or other veggies... Every Sunday he would get one shortbread cookie with his meal...

He would stay in this orphanage, living in a room with 13 kids total, until October 1998... Until this couple came... The man had a beard that he could not help but stare at because he had never seen a man before. The lady was weird. She was smiling and laughing, yet crying at the same time. He was covered in scabies, parasites, and lice... Yet was the most beautiful little 16.6 pound boy she had ever seen.... 

After visiting him for three days, they took him from that place.... The kind nurse cried as she handed a naked, little boy to her. They could not even spare a blanket because they needed to keep everything. 

I had no idea what my 16 months old would need. We had taken a ton of stuff... Gave most of it to the orphanage... But we took our son, SCOTT ALEXANDER SUBLETT, away from that place in a sweet little 9month outfit that was way too big on his little frame....

We took him to Moscow,feeding him everything we could along the way. After arriving, we gave him his first bath of his lifetime. He ate his first McDonald's. He loved everything he tasted. He slept with me. I clung to him as if he was my life support...

It was a crazy week in Russia... A crazy few months after getting him home... It has been a wild ride over the last 16 years for this kid... His rough start, his transition to an American family, his baby sister arriving just 6 months later, starting school, being diagnosed with some cognitive disabilities (ADHD, OCD, and asberger tendencies), new schools, new churches, and now getting ready to become an Eagle Scout this summer...

But none of this would have been possible

without a kind hearted decision

 by a lady I have never met.

She gave him life, then let us show him how to live..... 

Birthday Princess

My Sweet Girl

 

I can not believe that 14 years ago I was cuddling a sweet little 6lb 6oz baby girl... She was an unexpected bundle of greatness... After so many years of wanting children, Scott and I were graced by two children in under a year. We adopted our first child from Russia only to return home finding me so sick I was sure I was dying... I was pregnant.

 

I woke up at 3:15am on June 8, 1999... I had a weird pain in my back. I tried showering, but that stupid pain kept coming about every 4 minutes... We arrived at the hospital around 4 (Scott drove past several parking places trying to find the best one, and I almost killed him)... I had a natural labor with no medication, but only because I was 8cm when I arrived. I begged for drugs, but no one would give me so much as an aspirin! I decided that it hurt and I no longer wanted to have a baby... then at 7:26, the doctor said push, I pushed, and in one giant thrust Jessica flew into our hearts in one gush. At the time, we all swore she was the most gorgeous thing over... "thing" was probably right... newborns are not cute at birth... only their mothers think so!

 

14 years later, my daughter still holds a special place in the hearts of all who meet her. She is a happy girl. Almost every day is the "happiest day ever" for her. She is a polite kid with a sparkle in her eyes. She loves children and hopes to teach preschool or kindergarten or work in a daycare forever. Her heart is so big that I know she will have many joys and heartbreaks along her way.

 

I could not be more proud of my kid...

 

She makes amazing grades. She has a few very close friends who crack me up constantly. She fills this house with laughter and drama.

 

She will being her high school career in the fall and I still have trouble thinking about that fact.

 

Happy 14th Birthday to the best daughter I have ever had... and the only one I ever want...

none other would be able to compare

so much...

I have thought over the last month... "I need to blog about that"... however, it has been a nuts month and I have had very little time to be able to dedicate an hour to myself and my blog...

 

I had a physical a few weeks ago... although I am no where near the weight I want to live at, I was tickled to hear about my blood levels... She told me about my old levels (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic)... then she read my new levels - low blood pressure, low cholesterol, normal blood sugar, low resting heart rate... I am healthy. She even told me that if I WANTED to lose more weight, I can - but I do not need to if I am satisfied! Well, I am not satisfied yet, so I will keep on keeping on. But, it was wonderful to have a positive doctor's appointment for the first time in over 20 years. It is a new era.

 

My daughter is having a dance recital this weekend - hard work, loads of fun, and a day full of activities. She is excited! Truth be told, my tail will be sore and I will probably be cranky - but once the curtain opens, I will love each moment of seeing her on stage and will think that she is amazing!

 

My youngest is officially a second grader. We spent this past Thursday having pizza and celebrating with awards and hugs... It was a crowded room with crazy children and proud parents. He was thrilled to be done with first grade. We have been very proud of his successes in school. He loves to read and has had a good year. He will be leaving his present school, and going year round starting in July. We are excited.

 

My oldest completed his 10th grade year. To me honest every year is hard for him. He works amazingly with his hands and could build anything. He is a hard worker in the yard and loves to climb trees or clean out our gutters... but school work is very difficult. We are not all cut-out for book work... I read something once that said, "If we were all judged by our ability to fly, most of us would fail"... it reminds me that we are not all great at school, but God has blessed each of us with our OWN gifts... As his mother, I am trying to help him see his gifts and use them! Yet, this year, he passed each class. Truthfully, we did not think that it would happen... but he surprised even himself by making some B's on finals and pulling grades up. We are finishing his sophomore year with all passing grades... and not by the skin on his tail either! I am proud.

 

My middle child has closed the door on her middle school career. On Friday, she graduated from middle school. She spent five years at Voyager Academy. She is leaving this fall to go back to public school. She has begged for years for me to promise her that she could attend Riverside and perform in their chorus productions... her dream will come true in August. It is hard for me to imagine that this little girl who started kindergarten with pig tails and a big grin, walked through graduation in a beautiful dress, gorgeous face, and is such a wonderful young lady... So much has changed... I love this kid!

So there is a little update... I will write more about my special girl in a minute... today is a special day!

New adventures

It is a new era in our household... mommy is no longer sedentary.... We can do things as a family that involve movement... I am trying to get my two younger children to be willing to move with me.

Because I have been on the couch or on the computer for most of their lives,

they tend to be TV or computer kids...

but I am trying to change that.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. I went for a quick 2.5 mile jog. It was quick and painless. I loved the feel of the breeze, the sun on my face, and the fact that I was moving without pain.... Last night, Scott and I took the boys on a 2 mile family walk with the dogs (Jess was at a show with her grandparents)... This would be an activity that would have aggravated me last year... I would have found a way to stay home and "do chores" while they walked.

It was nice.

Today, after getting home from church, we decided to get a hike in before lunch.... So, the five of us headed to Eno State Park and went in search of the swinging suspension bridge. We went up hills, down banks, over little muddy ways, jumped across rocks, sat and enjoyed the view, and laughed.

On the way home, we laughed and sang to 94.7 "I drive your truck" and had all of the windows down. It was not a fun hike for the youngest, it was hard... but ending it with a strong wind in his face even had him smiling.

It is my hope and plan to have an ACTIVE 2013. We will do more hikes... more walks... more outdoorsy activities...

less tv... less computer... less sitting...


What does your family do together that you enjoy? Are you making healthy choices for your family to help them start lifetime habits that will encourage movement?

It is hard.
It is new.

It is about dern time....

Apparently I need a shrink... (*updated*)

So I had a check up yesterday... My BMI is down more than 10%. My weight is down significantly. Whereas I had been headed to diabetes, my levels are now at the point that I am not even considered "at risk" any longer. The first time I met Dr Glavin I was wearing size 22 pants and a 3x shirt... Yesterday I wore size 10 jeans and a size large tshirt... My doctor had wonderful words of encouragement for me to continue...

But

Then she started asking me how I felt.

I told her about my jogging. I mentioned how I enjoy shopping with people now. I discussed my 5k and then how I ran the "Sublett Half" in 2 hours and 53 minutes. I told her how my children have mentioned being proud of me. My oldest said that he had been embarrassed in the past that I looked different than the mothers of his peers, but I don't anymore...

Then she asked me again how I felt.

I told her I was becoming more involved as a parent. I told her about confirmation weekend and the walking and hiking did not bother me like it would have a year ago. I told her that I have promised my boys that I would camp OUTSIDE this summer.

Yet again, she asked me how I felt.

I told her



Apparently I need a shrink

***** UPDATE*****

I am not depressed necessarily nor am I not thankful for what I have gone through... I truly BELIEVE everything listed up above... I have received a few emails and texts from readers who are concerned... ALL I stated to my doctor is that it does not seem fair that I could lose what I have lost, work as hard as I am trying, run as far as I have, eaten as little as I have, and yet...

look worse than I ever have

Not in clothes, mind you... I look so much better. I am talking about "in the raw"... Swimsuit season is coming. This is a season that puts most women into a tailspin frenzy. I get it... I just have so much skin that looks so gross. I have NO desire to allow anyone other than my immediate family view this loveliness!!!  haha

And for those of you who remind me that I can have the skin removed, you are right... however due to changes in healthcare that are imminent, I may have to pay for all of it out of pocket which will greatly change the amount I can remove and the timing of when it would happen.

So, I need to change my way of thinking... This skin is a trophy of my work, of where I have been and what I have worked through, the emotional eating that controlled my life and the significance that I am past that problem, of what I have put my body through and what I am capable of overcoming...

I will not change my mind today... but I have tried to start the change. I will get there.

This blog is to help my friends who are going down a similar path... I do not write my "heart's story" for pity but for those who need to know that while they struggle as well, they are not alone... not everyone who is looking better is actually feeling better... For my friends to know that we are all in this battle together, just at different stages....

Satan is good

So I had a great weekend... Prayed a lot... Grew... relaxed... laughed.. really sought after God and found Him in a big way...

then Monday came

I had a rough afternoon... kids were grouchy, traffic stunk, the youngest fought me to take a bath, the oldest sneaked all kinds of snacks and mess to his room, the middle has play practice until 9pm that lasted until after 10pm, I was stressed and trying to pay bills, Scott had to work "past 7" than ended up being past 11pm...

then I gave up and went to bed... only to have a terrible nightmare...

brief synopsis

Scott came home from working late, we were talking... the older two kids woke up...

then, I learned that he was cheating on me and had been for over 2 years...

He smiled and laughed about it in my face

things that he said touched all of my insecurities

"I married you and then you got fat. Now, you have lost all the weight

but look worse because you are so flabby - why would I

stay with you"

when I started crying and screaming, he left out the door

my parents walked across the street and my

father says "why wouldn't he leave? have you seen yourself?"

 

 

I woke up crying... drank some water... calmed down... laid back down

 

dreamed the EXACT same dream a second time. Got up and washed my face.

Then went back to bed again.

 

 

dreamed the EXACT same dream a third time but with some added details at the end...

I gave up and got up into the shower.

 

 

 

Satan knew that I was in a good place. He knew where my insecurities lie. He attacked every one of them... He got my focus off of God and back onto me.

 

Satan is smart.

 

But, God is better and smarter... Now I know that plan of attack, I am ready. I wish I could tell you that I was not defeated yesterday, but I was...

 

but I will not be defeated today.... no, not today.

Needed every step

Recently, we started really plugging into our new church... Scott helped chaperone a youth ski trip... I performed in a church wide musical... But this past weekend was amazing.

In the Methodist church, young middles schoolers go through confirmation. It is a class that they attend once a week for a few months, a retreat, and then they have the choice of joining their church. My daughter is taking the classes... More importantly, SO AM I! My pastor thought it would be a great idea for me to attend with her. So, I am learning about the Methodist denomination, scriptures that I have been familiar with for years, and more of what our personal church believes and practices. I have learned a lot and have enjoyed going through it with Jessica and her 8 friends in the class.

This past weekend we went to Lake Junaluska. It was a district wide weekend for confirmands to learn about the promises they make through confirmation. The praise and worship was more like what I had grown accustomed in a previous church and I LOVED it. The sermons were decent and gave me a lot to think about. The classes were interesting and only explained further the things that I needed to understand. The tweens that went were fantastically behaved and a joy to hang out with. The food was yummy and the beds were comfortable. The scenery was beyond beautiful, and it was definitely in my top 5 most beautiful places I have witnessed....

But I am especially glad I went because of what I experienced... For me... On Saturday night, my pastor/friend had us walk through a prayer labyrinth... As we walked by ourselves on the way to the center, I was to pray at each curve about things I needed to transform in my heart... As I walked back out towards the opening, I was to pray at each curve about how I could conform to the desires of Jesus in my life... I am probably wording this wrong... But regardless, it was powerful. I am walking around this path with five adults and 8 kids... But I was completely alone in thought and prayer. I have had a crazy last 8 months... I have struggled in relationships, self pity, self doubt, self worth, new friendships, trying to learn new things, new church, new clothes, finances, raising three very different children, and meanwhile trying to do the right things... This time in prayer was needed. Don't get me wrong, I have prayed about these things before... Several times. But this night was different. I was able to walk and release. I approached the throne of God, knelt before Him, and was finally able to lay these problems, personal struggles, and personal sins at the feet of Christ... It was very freeing... I needed every step.

He is driving

Never thought this day would come... okay, I did, but I never though it would come this soon.

My oldest turned 15 in June 2012, but was unwilling to take his test for his permit. He decided that driving was dangerous. In October, I finally got him to take the classroom part of the class. He passed and was ready for the driving portion. He drove with Coach Rodeo for a few days in December and passed that as well. I just knew that he would want to get his permit as soon as possible.

but

Around Christmas, there was a terrible wreck that involved some teens in our area. Two of them were badly injured and two were killed. Alex immediately decided to not drive.

It took almost a month, but I had convinced him to go to the DMV!

but

On January 17, a childhood friend of Alex's was in a horrific car accident that has had a huge impact on him... Noah has had significant trauma to his brain and will have a very long recovery. Alex again decided that he did not want to drive.

We had a wonderful lady and her daughter offer to help him study for the DMV test. Alex actually worked with Anna for over an hour one Wednesday night after church. She quizzed him on points and insurance questions. She helped him a ton. He agreed to take the test that Friday.

So, on Friday, Febuary 8th, we drove out to Hillsborough and waited for an hour... His nerves were shot and truthfully, so were mine. I had convinced him that he could take the test, fail it, and then we would just know what to review in order to pass it on Monday!

But he passed on his first time! He was so proud and thrilled! As we were stepping out of the DMV office, we had the nicest surprise in a long time... The kind mother/daughter team had seen on facebook that we were at the DMV, so they grabbed a bag of chocolate and headed to meet him!

They said they had chocolate to congratulate him or console him! I was so glad that he was able to brag about PASSING!

Now he begs to drive at every point of getting into the car... truthfully, he is doing well and I am sure my blood pressure will come down by the time I turn 50... 9 years from now!

Took 41 years... But I did it

When I was a child, I adored my grandfather. He let me work in the garden with him. He taught me how to climb a tree. He let me pick grapes and eat them without washing them first. He would let me ride in the wheelbarrow while he ran around his backyard. He would eat my butter beans or other yuckies while my dad wasn't looking. He taught me how to scrape them into my napkin then excuse myself to the bathroom to flush them down the toilet! He let me wrap Tippy (his dog) in a towel and pretend he was my baby. But most of all, he always fixed me a cup of coffee when he fixed his... I'm sure it was milk/sugar with just a splash of coffee... But it made me feel like I was such a grown-up and his absolute favorite grandchild!

When I would have an "only child stubborn and spoiled" temper tantrum, I always threatened to run away to my papa's house... My mother always said, "Honey, it is too far away. You could not run that far..."

She is no longer right about that...

A couple of months ago, I had a momentary brain loss... I signed up to run a half marathon. It is scheduled for March 17th... However a few weeks ago, I was asked to helped with Jessica's confirmation class and retreat... It is very important to my daughter and to me... So, this means that I had a way out of the marathon!

But then I got to thinking... If I made a commitment to myself to run a half marathon, I needed to do it. No more excuses. I had been training. I had been wanting that 13.1 sticker on my pilot. I could do it...

My oldest son was working on a hiking merit badge. He needed to complete 20 miles yesterday. I vowed to do at least 13 miles with him and his father would do 7 miles with him. Saturday, we got up at 7:30 to stretch and prepare. He packed a backpack of Gatorade and we headed out... I have to admit that I really felt great for the first 10 miles! The last couple were a sincere struggle...

 I did it! I completed 13.2 miles in under three hours.

As he and I approached our 7th mile, we were cresting the top of Guess Road, and to my left was my papa's house... I could not help but smile...

It may have taken me 41 years, but I CAN run away to my papa's house. He would be so proud. I wish he were still here... I could run up there and enjoy a wonderful cup of coffee and laugh over our good times from years past...

Labels

My oldest child has some special needs. We have known from the beginning that he would struggle in some areas. Almost from day one, we were aware that ADHD was a probability... Then we learned more about his OCD... A couple of years later we started learning about frontal lobe problems...

Each step of the way, we have had testing. We have tried to research our hearts out and make sure that we could find out everything we could about each issue. We have had more conferences with teachers than I could care to count... I have tried to be as proactive as possible.

Two weeks ago, I met a teacher from a local school. She showed interest in my kid... Asked a lot of questions... Had ideas to help him and make sure that he had a future... Having never met my oldest, she asked if he had Aspergers Syndrome... Had never thought of this diagnosis

I immediately hit the computer and started searching and reading. I contacted both the psychiatrist and the psychologist... I requested more testing and meetings.

The more we read and the more we talk about it, this random meeting with a complete stranger is changing our lives.

This fall, my oldest will change schools. He has attended the same school for six years... He is scheduled to graduate in two years...

But

This lovely lady has offered to help my kid

It has taken a few weeks to warm up to the idea, but now my kid is happy about the change. We are going to move to a vocational track and get him a trade... This is going to give us hope and a chance for a great future!

So I am writing this to try to implore you to not be scared of labels... We may not always like them, but if used correctly they can help. My son's new label is going to help us get him the assistance that he needs. His label will ensure that he will get federal assistance with getting a job, keeping a job, and learning to budget his paychecks and such.

Labels can be blessings

life will change for her...

"there it is, Mom... there is the place where my life will change..."

 

I told you that things were changing... Well, on Thursday morning, I took my two teens to tour a local public highschool... I had one child that was so excited, and the other child was nervous.

 

My girl has wanted to leave her charter school for awhile. She wants a larger scene with more music and more opportunities. She wants to move away from the clicks that have defined her life for five years and move into a more diverse group of people.... She understands that it will be different. She know there will still be clicks - but when you have had the same 100 kids in your class for five years, she is ready for a "different" set. She seems to grasp the idea that 1800 kids in her new high school will be very different than the 400 that she was headed towards...

 

During our tour, we visited the media center. She was able to go into the office and see the student services area. She toured the auditorium. We saw the computer classrooms and the cafeteria... but near the end of the tour, we headed down a hall that I recognized as the "music area". We could hear the dance class leaping around and the band warming up... My girl saw the chorus room and ran to the window...

 

"there it is, Mom... there is the place where my life will change"

 

 

I am making the right choice for my kid...

I pray that she finds her niche quickly and as painlessly as possible....

changes

Six years ago we started a new journey... We chose to send our oldest child to a charter school. It was the first year that the school was open. We had several people suggest that we wait to see how the school preformed - but we knew that we could always leave, yet it was going to be very difficult to get in to the school. He was number 37 on the waiting list... and just a week before the school opened, he got in. He started 5th grade there, and one year later, our daughter started 4th grade there too.

The oldest is in the high school building now, the middle is enjoying her final year of middle school there, and the youngest is presently in 1st grade in the elementary building.

We do not have huge problems with the school. The teachers are well educated. Our special education teachers who help our oldest child, have been above average at almost every turn.

Yet, I am faced with the fact that as a parent I need to send my children to the school that will BEST meet their individual needs... If this means that I am in car line for 1.5 hours like I am right now, then I will do it. Three different schools and three different calendars would be hard, but I will do it.

My middle child wants to sing and perform. She wants a strong nucleus of friendships that will help her enjoy all the moments of high school. She seems to desire to have a lot of the similar experiences that I shared in high school. I want these for her too! So, she will be returning to public school....

My youngest enjoys his charter school but asked me last week, "Mom, when will I go back to MY school?" It cracked me up - too sweet. He loved his teachers and his friends. He was comfortable there. He will succeed in a large setting. He desires to learn as much as someone can offer him. He wants to rule the world one day, or at least the zoo that he is planning to start in Durham County... So, we have applied for him to return to his year-round school... we will find out in two weeks if he will be able to go there.

Then the oldest...

He does not want to leave his school. He has about three friends there. He is barely passing, but is passing all of his classes. He feels safe with less than 400 students in the entire building. He has three resource teachers who are fighting for him.

 

but

 

He is in a school that is solely college bound. There is nothing in place to help a student who needs vocational training or support finding a job and getting set up with his future....

 

This past Tuesday night, I had an accidental meeting with a wonderful teacher. I went to an open house to learn about the opportunities for my daughter... yet I found a "exceptional children's coordinator" standing at a table with no one speaking to her... after a couple of questions, I had a strong hope for the future and what all was available for my oldest son....

 

So, he may change schools too....

 

stay tuned - big changes are coming to the Subletts... two people who have been Baptist forever are attending and enjoying a Methodist church... three children who attend a small charter school are considering large public schools as a better choice for them...

 

All my life I have struggled with change. I like the "same-o same-o" all of the time. I order the same thing every time at most restaurants. I own clothes for more than ten years at a time. I drive cars until they die. I live across the street from where I was raised, so I have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 38 years....

 

But I am learning that change can be great too...

 

Lord, lead us where YOU would have us to be - guide us and help us make things work for our children in order to provide them with the best foot toward their future...

 

amen

the professor has "got game"

My youngest has a crush... I caught him at his desk last night writing a letter to his "love"

He then put it into an envelope and sealed it... He would not let me read it... however, I am really good....


tune in later for the results...

dern it

My goal to stay positive is not working...

 

I had wonderful intentions... I planned... I thought it out... I had goals...

 

Then one of my children decided to be difficult. Then, things at home starting backing up... I was unable to jog one day... then I got into an argument with my kid...

 

then I sat down and saw my "notes to self" about being positive....

 

 

dern it

 

 

I am not abandoning my goal. It is a good goal. It may not be achievable every single moment. Life happens and it is not always good... I will have a horrible moment...

 

but my goal is to try to FOCUS on the positive...

 

My goals for this week:

jog at least four times

prepare a birthday supper for my parents (birthdays are last week and next week)

valentines for my valentines

be positive more than I am negative

 

 

let's see how far I get

Happy 70th, Mom!

Every time I sang anywhere... She was there
Every time I was sick... She was there
Every time I needed anything... She was there

My mom has always been involved in my life... She knows most of what I have done, and she loves me regardless... She was always present.

I never appreciated it while growing up. I wished that she would sit out for a concert or two... Maybe miss a conference or concert. I wanted her to lay low....

Then I started teaching

When getting ready for a concert, I was shocked to watch some parents drive their child to the concert... Then drop them off and return afterwards. Even when the concerts were free, there would still be students waiting outside for 30-45 after a concert waiting on a parent for a ride. When teaching middle school, I would have to allow kids to stay after school in my classroom until 7pm for the concert just to ensure that they would be there for the concert. We would hang out and order pizza... Their parents would grab them after the show...

I realized how blessed I was...

I never wondered where she was...

Even now, I can find her across the street... Watching out the window to see my oldest climb a tree, my youngest on his swing, or the middle child supervising the action...

Happy birthday, mom...I hope I aggravate my kids like you aggravated me... Because that means that in a few years, they will realize just how blessed they are too... Blessed that my mother taught me how to be a great mother.

things that are true, noble, right...

Philippians 4:4-9

4  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
5  Let you gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
6  Do not be anxious about anything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests
    to God
7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understand, will guard your hearts and your minds in
    Christ Jesus.
8  Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
    whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about
    such things
9  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And
    the God of peace will be with you

This morning in church we heard about joy... true, to-the-bone joy... I have been thinking about this actually for a few days - I was surprised, yet happy to hear that God had placed a similar message on our pastor's heart.

 

Over the last few months, so much has happened around me. I have seen people pass away much too early. A friend of my son's youth was in a horrific car accident, and we are still waiting to see how well he will recover. I have experienced wonderful times and some dark, lonely times. Each instance, I have allowed to effect me... I have chosen to concentrate on things that do not deserve my attention. I have been overly critical of myself and have had pretty negative thoughts about things...

 

not good

 

Another look at the above scripture, but in a different translation... The Good News translation for verses 8-9, are the following:

 

"In conclusion, my brothers and sisters, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honourable. Put into practice what you learnt and received from me, both from my words and from my actions. And the God who gives us peace will be with you."

 

Seems as though I have been concentrating on the wrong stuff.

 

I am saved from the depths of hell from a Savior who died for me. I have a good husband. I have three healthy children. I have seen my life change for the better in many ways over the past 6 months. I have a good church with people who love my three kids and look for ways to help each of them weekly. I love my job of 11 years and laugh at the idea of getting paid to play with young children each day. I have a warm home that is more than enough for the five of us.

 

I am a blessed woman who needs to be reminded to concentrate on lifting myself and other UP... the world will drag us down - there is no need to help with the dragging...

 

Let's swim upstream together - fight the negative thoughts and fill yourself with the joy and the knowledge of all that we have in our Lord....

 

some days it is harder than others... but I need to start making an effort every day

 

 



silent mover

My oldest is special... He has always gotten excited by the strangest little things... then seems to be completely unmoved at obvious things...

 

examples 

• At the age of two and a half, he could lay on the front sidewalk for thirty minutes while watching tiny ants... huge smile on his face and would not move

• from his first roller coaster (age 5) to present times, he looks like he may fall asleep on any roller coaster regardless of how many hills, dips, or upside downs... he gets off of the ride saying it was amazing, but looks like he is bored.
• while three years old, he could tight rope walk across the TOP of the swing set, jump off or slide down the pole while screeching or land a flip on a trampoline at age 5
• he could open his window, slide out under the window screen, cross the street, go behind my parents' home, count deer, come back home, slide under screen, close window and get back into bed... he was 8, 9, and 10... it was between 2-4AM... silently
• everyday normal activities are done with big noises, huge movement (like skipping with big hops down the hall to brush teeth), stomping like a herd of cattle when it is time for a meal, hollering like you are calling pigs when feeding the dogs...

My oldest also rarely sleeps. When he was little, he was a sleep-walker. We would find him standing in the middle of the kitchen (his favorite room in the house). He has been known to get up, make a sandwich, eat it, and go to bed - but he never cleaned up the crumbs and knives while asleep. He would stay up for hours coloring, designing things on graph paper, make lists of things he wanted to do, write notes to his father and me, play with legos, put together puzzles on the floor of his closet...etc. At an early age, he learned how to stuff a towel or shirt at the bottom of his door, so we could not see that his light was on.... scary.

 

 

However last night was a first...

I rarely get to say that, so let me say this again...

 

Last night was a first.

 

I last saw him at midnight... then stayed outside his room for at least 15 minutes or so to "make sure" that he was asleep...

 

At 6:15am, I went in to wake him up. I found the ENTIRE room has been re-arranged. Everything from his bed, his rug, his desk, dresser with mirror, tall dresser, 7ft tall bookcase, desk with plastic mat, posters, UNC flags... everything is in a new place. This is heavy furniture people... big stuff... his bed is heavy iron. The dressers are solid wood, well-built heavy pieces that I stained myself 15 year ago. The bookcase is COVERED with books, lego creations, knickknacks, and stuff....

 

He looked up and said, "isn't it cool?"

 

what do you say to that?

 

I have no idea what in the world his future has for him. I can not imagine the job that he will one day hold. I still can not even imagine him living anywhere other than his little cave inside my house. But, I have to say...

 

he is a silent mover... when he wants to be

Happy Birthday to my Sis!

I always wanted a big brother or sister.... I am an only child. It was good and horrible.... sometimes you get lonely, but then again you never had to share... Yet, when my parents would ask if I wanted a sibling, I always answered the same way

 

"I want an OLDER sibling"

 

My parents never gave in to my begging though.

 

So, I had to wait until 1993... When I was married, I was blessed with an older brother and an older sister... I GOT BOTH! Now, we have always lived far away from each other, but it never mattered. I have always felt as though I was a part of their lives. I have learned from them, been counselled by them, loved by them, corrected by them... and so on.

 

This weekend is my sister's birthday... I could make jokes about how she is getting sooooo old, but seriously she is in better shape, younger looking, thinner, more generous, more godly, and much more beautiful than I am - so I will simply say,

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIS!

 

My sis has been a supportive wife for over 20 years. She has seven children from all over the globe. She is a pastor's wife which is a hard job full of a long list of do's and don'ts. She is busy every night of the week and yet still can fit in "therapy" calls from me regularly.

 

I love her - I admire her - I wish I was more like her

 

Dear, Kimberly,

I pray that this birthday is a true celebration of you. You mean so much to so many - but to me... you are the answer to my childhood dreams/wishes. I love you.

~Amanda

 

 

parenting

not for the lightweights...

 

not for the faint...

 

parenting

 

It is hard and sometimes not very rewarding...

 I rarely get seven hours of consecutive sleep... okay, usually not even six...

 

There is always something to get done and something that I forgot...

 

Something is dirty and other stuff needs to be put away...

 

Someone is starving and someone else hates what we are having...

 

 

 

This is a day where I question every choice I made to have children... because it is a hard day. I slept less than three hours... I forgot my deodorant this morning... I am finally eating breakfast at 1:28pm... I was thrilled to drop kids off at school and have not missed them a second today...

 

 

 

but

 

later, I will love them again... maybe tonight... maybe not until next week...

 

but

 

parenting

 

not for the faint...

 

not for the lightweights...

generous friends...

God is still listening...

 

I have to confess my frustration and anger...

My oldest son is a boyscout. He loves it. He thrives in it. He would rather live outside than breathe. Building fires, 50 mile bike rides, sleeping in a hammock, camping in the pouring rain, hiking up a hill, climbing a mountain... he loves every moment. This summer is a 2 week long trip to New Mexico for hiking and back packing... It is called "Philmont".

 

Scott and Alex plan to go

 

I did not want them to go

 

We were told that the trip could be between $1500-2000 a person. This did not slow down either one of them. It did, however, slam the brakes for me.

 

Being a basically one income family, I look at the thought of spending more than we have in a month on a two week trip for only two of us.... well, it infuriated me.

 

I complained. I argued. I pouted. I had a coniption. I might have even thrown a little of a hissy fit.

 

Then God moved.

 

Last week, in a moment of pure anger (okay, probably not pure, but I was really ticked), I told them both that if the two of them went, the rest of us would not be able to get a single vacation or even a night out of town. I tried to guilt them into seeing that two out of five of us would get the trip of a life time... while three of us stayed home... and I was mad.

 

But God... He likes to sit back and let me have my fit... I bet He even chuckles as He looks at my little temper tantrum, thinking, "When will she ever learn that I can handle this?"

 

Friday, Scott received a call that a former scout parent wanted to help out a father/son team heading to Philmont this year.... my men were chosen... what a gift... Half of the trip will be paid by an annoymous giver... Words cannot describe the appreciation my two guys feel...

 

However... I still looked at the budget and said, "Good Grief... that's great, but you two better start cutting lawns and selling stuff..." 

 

Sunday, I was running around our church... litterally, I was jogging and trying not to pass out... but while running, I was praying. I had left my earbuds in my car by accident, and so I was just talking to God about things that were close to my heart. I prayed over some friends in crisis, my children and the direction their lives will take, and then our finances... After a few miles, I just felt a peace. I really cannot explain it other than to say that I trusted that God would work it out... whatever and wherever we are supposed to be would work out... either way.

 

Today, Scott was given a check from a family friend... had no idea this friend had planned to help my kid... there was no reason for this precious act of generousity....  I am humbled and thankful.

 

It is hard for me to receive gifts like this... but it is for my kid... maybe that helps. Or maybe it is the fact that God told me that He would handle everything and He chose to use this friend as a helping hand...

 

Regardless, the amount that will be left over following these two generous gifts... well, it is the EXACT amount that I had budgeted for summer scout camp.

 

How crazy is the God I serve? These two men had no idea what our needs were or how much would be needed to make this trip possible.... but God did... and it is handled.

 

Thank you to these men... Thank you also to God for teaching me to chill out and let you be in control...

 

I wish it did not take such hissy fit in order to get my attention... I need to take a step back and calm down more often...

setting a goal

A couple of months ago, I was power walking with a friend (okay, truth be told, I was trying to jog- but this person runs like a maniac, so my "jog" is a casual stroll in comparison)... He challenged me.

Friend - "when is the last time you set a goal for yourself that you did not reach?"

me - "never"

Friend - "well, then you are not setting them high enough and challenging yourself.

Set a distance goal, a time goal, or something that will be difficult to reach - you

are not pushing yourself hard enough."

It was hard to hear... but so true. I was focusing on the fact that I had never jogged to the mailbox before August 20, 2012... I was tickled with myself and proud of my accomplishments (which I should be, don't mis-read this)... But I was becoming satisfied.

In 2011, I had resolved myself that my body would never change. I had decided that I would just be satisfied... therefore in 2012, I was fat too.  It was not until I got up, challenged myself, and made some huge changes that I was able to see that 2013 would not be there same.

So, I set a time goal. I wanted to run a 5k in less than 45 minutes... I completed the Color Me Rad 5K on October 27th in 38 minutes. Goal achieved. Felt like nothing I had ever done - it was amazing.

In November, I set a clothing size goal. I wanted to be able to button/zip size 10 jeans in a regular store by Valentines Day and a size 8 by July 21st (my birthday). After being a size 22 for many years, I really want to be "average". So, I started being very deliberate with my food choices and exercising. The week before Christmas I went into Gap and tried on a pair of size 10 jeans and then buttoned/zipped them. They are NO WHERE NEAR ready for public viewing, so I am still working on being able to wear them to work by Valentines day... but it is a goal.

This past week I have been doing some research on dehydration and other problems I have while jogging, exercising, and life in general... I am learning that I need to focus more on distance rather than speed just due to my body at this moment.

Well, almost as if on cue, a friend approached me about running a half marathon.... So, I have a new goal. March 17th I will be attempting a half marathon. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not a runner. I am an "attempter"....

I am writing all of this not to encourage you to run. It is not for everyone. In fact, I do not enjoy it... I enjoy what it is doing for my body, therefore I love it...

I have written this to ask you a question...
What goal are you setting for yourself this month, this season, or this year?

We are much more in control of our lives than we like to take ownership of... We need to stand up, shake off the feelings of self-doubt, and start a program... Let's improve our lives... whether it means getting your body in to better shape, stopping a bad habit, starting a quiet time, cooking more for our families, giving more to our church or charity, spending more time with our family, or maybe even starting to take some time that is just for you...

Set a goal - a lofty one - and then let's work on it together. Accountability helps. Tell a friend. Tell a spouse... heck, tell me - I will happily check in on you and help light the fire under your tail to get you motivated!