years ago - Scott and I started trying to have children... we struggled with lots of decisions... How many should we have? Should I continue to work? Do we need to move into a different house? How much money are we willing to spend on fertility treatments...
then a few years later... Should we adopt? Should we adopt domestically or internationally? How many children should we sign up to adopt at a time? How much money can we afford or borrow to complete an adoption? Which country should we go to in order to grow our family?
then a year later... What do we do with this toddler who is climbing ladders to the roof? How can I chase him around while puking up my guts while pregnant with a second one? How do I parent two kids in less than 6 months time? Am I really cut out for this?
then came the "hard" questions about church and education for both of them (it was another 6 years before we were blessed with a third child!)...
Scott and I came to our decisions together... sometimes we agreed, sometimes we fought, but we always ended up on the same page...
We decided that I would not work until the kids went to school... and only then would I work during the hours that they were gone to school... Having our firstborn need more help at school, I then started questioning whether or not I should home school...
I have very little confidence in my abilities... I graduated from college... yet, I have the patience of a... well, that is not even a fair statement... I have NO patience... none... zilch... with a hyper child, who needed me to explain things a hundred times, and still would need additional help.... well, I knew that one of us would be dead or in prison!
However, now... I find myself thinking that I might should have looked into homeschooling a little more closely... I see my kid wanting to do the same amount of stuff his peers are doing... but we do not have time for activities... we are doing homework for over 5 hours... I have always wished that my child had chosen a sport to get involved in... however, I see now just how it would never have worked with all of this homework..
hindsight can be a wonderful tool for learning... it can also be a tool for bringing on a lot of guilt...
I love my kids... I am trying desperately to do what is right and fair for them... I really am...
God, please help me make as many "right decisions" as I can the first time around...
They suffer when I am wrong...
Amanda, please know from someone who's had years to work the guilt trip on herself, that no matter how good/bad *(Gal I know you're awesome)..of a parent you are, you will always feel the guiltiest with the oldest. That's because we were younger, less experienced with these things. I still feel huge pangs of guilt with Justin, and not trying hard to find a good scout troop when we moved down here. I feel bad for Sarah, that I didn't try harder with Sarah, and get her involved with sports, instead I used Marshall (a baby), as an excuse. With each one we learn. They know we love them, and we (YOU) are truly doing the best you can.
ReplyDeleteJust in case this means anything to you where you are right now, it is never too late to decide to homeschool or to pick up a sport that you enjoy. Even if you are not good at it. Of course, it does help if you are good at it (just like homeschooling) but there are LOTS of options out there. If you want to look into some homeshooling options for high school, there is a program called Blessed Is The Man that is a Christian homeschool concept for highschool boys (they also aave a girls version) and it is very adaptable to whatever your children's interests are. I just graduated my first homeschool graduate and I feel inadequate and impatient EVERY day. It is not my strong suit. I have to REALLY work at it with my girls. But, it is worth it. I am sure there are support groups in Durham that would help you through the Newbie Jitters and if you want more info or to ask questions, I am always happy to help. A school year is ending, you can change the path you are on today. If God is still dealing with your heart on this, there are options.
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