a new fair

My parents took me to the state fair every year growing up... I can even remember taking a couple of field trips to it with school... Sometimes I would take a friend or go with a friend.

The State Fair has been a big deal to me my entire life.

After getting married, Scott and I attended the fair every year. We only missed in 1998... of course, we were in Russia picking up our son, so I was not too upset. Sometimes we have taken the children, sometime we have attended as a date...

but we have always gone!

Six years ago, the fair changed for me... Scott and I were there on a date. We rode very few ride because tickets were so expensive.. We found this crazy spin-a-round, flip upside down, fly crazy ride that we both knew that we would puke on... I was scared to death and so excited. My father had given me a love for roller coasters and I couldn't wait...

until

we went up, got into a seat, and waited to be clicked in by the attendant...

the guy could not shut my seat


I had to get out of the seat in front of my husband, and walk back to the exit. I wanted to die. I told Scott with a laugh that it was no big deal... he rode it, and said it wasn't really that great (which I knew was a lie)... but it was a deal.

I have not ridden a ride since.

I take that back, a few years ago, one of my nieces celebrated her birthday at a theme park. I rode the tilt-a-whirl with her. I knew that was a ride that would work, and she asked me to ride it with her... but I was scared to get on it and relieved to get off...

This year I went to the fair. Took our children on preview day... bought them wristbands so they could ride everything in the park that they desired....

I still did not ride anything.

I had planned to purchase a wristband and ride everything... I was thrilled to be down in weight and thought that "this would be the year" that everything changed for me...

but I saw a picture taken of me the day before... I looked huge... I immediately felt like I did in June of this year... huge with no chance of change...

I am learning more and more just how mental weight can be... I know that I am wearing a size large shirt today whereas 9 weeks ago I wore a 3x or 2x... I know that my jeans today are a 16 instead of the 22... I see one chin instead of 3. I can jog a mile straight without stopping...

however, I am still big in the average person's mind.

gosh this is a daily battle and fight


I am not writing this for people to write crazy encouraging comments... I just am documenting my feelings and keeping a public sort of diary... I know that I am doing great and things are going according to His will and plan. I am working hard and feel better than I have in over 15 years. I know all of the "right" things to say and that it will only get better... but this is a mental battle that I am fighting... and it is a huge fight....