big coat

So, I cleaned out my closet a couple of weeks ago... I wrote about it - happy and sad moment... happy to not be able to wear any of the clothes anymore, but also sad... because I have been the same size for 15+ years, I have had some of those items for a long time... I had pictures of myself in Russia getting our firstborn in some of them... hard to let go, but happy to do so

 

Then, this past week it got chilly. One of my kids went to the coat closet to get a jacket, and hollered, "Mom, you forgot to get rid of your coats!"

I went to get them... there were three...

 

People who know me, know that I rarely wear a coat. I was never cold... I had a beautiful denim jacket that I had bought at Talbot's, not on sale... loved it dearly. I had a double breasted chocolate fleece that I had bought from Landsend on sale... loved it. Then I had a very expensive and very warm coat from Landsend that I wore when it was bitter cold and it kept me snugly warm.

 

This last coat was worn during winter dog walks, trips to PA, outdoor shopping at Christmas, and other times where it was freezing. I remember several moments I had in this coat...

 

As my son and husband were commenting on how big it was when I tried it on, my son took it and then they put it on...

TOGETHER

 

I laughed... they looked hilarious...

 

I added the coat to the pile to give to a friend who may have a need....

 

then I went to my room for something... as I thought about my loved coat, I remembered one time when I wore it to walk the dogs... and I remember that I left it open... Scott scolded me saying, "it is very cold, you need to zip that coat up" ... I laughed and told him I was not cold... but the truth was that I could not zip it...

 

I then started crying... the very coat that two grown men (41 years old and 15 years old) had put on and zipped up... I had been so big that I could not even zip it.

 

I think a lot of this "game" with losing weight is so mental.

 

I know that the fact is that this morning I wore size 16 jeans and my hubby said they were too baggy, whereas two months ago I was wearing size 22. I know that I wore a size Large t-shirt to work on Friday, whereas two months ago I was wearing a 2x or 3x. I know that I had 3 chins, whereas now I have one. I know that I used to get winded going up the stairs to my classroom, whereas now I can jog a mile without stopping...

 

these are facts

 

But I still get sad. I get sad because two men can fit into a coat that I could not zip...

Sad that I had gotten to that size...

I still see a big person when I look into the mirror. I saw a picture of me this past week

(also taken this past week) and I bawled... I am still big.

By the standards of average people, I am big.

 

Many of my wonderful friends are encouraging... they tell me on a regular basis that I am looking great or thinner or they are proud of me or many wonderful things....

 I appreciate EVERY comment and compliment....

 

I am really to FEEL these things...

 

the mental battle is draining... not sure how I can be doing so much better, looking so much better, and moving so much better... yet still be frustrated, discouraged, and angry...

 

I need to dive into the scripture and find some peace... Philippians 4:4-9

 

4Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5Let everyone see that

you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

 

Lord, please help me to memorize these verses and lay claim to them...

 I need to concentrate on the right things and experience a peace that can only come from You....