fat

I cannot believe that I am writing this - I have never been this brutally honest. But I think it is important for women to know that when they are fighting themselves with weight, they are NOT alone. I have struggled for 41 years with weight and am finally taking control and trying to change my body.

I have never been small... short, yes... small, no.

When Scott and I got married, my wedding dress was a size 16. I was actually a size 14 in clothes, but for some reason for the "correct alterations"... whatever, it was a 16. I cried. I truly loved every part of my dress. It was the dress I would have designed myself and was perfect... except for the size. For some stupid reason, I weighed myself on the morning of my wedding day. I weighed in at a whopping 167 pounds... Again, I thought I was a huge beast.

Shortly after getting married, Scott and I started trying to have children. We were have a lot of difficulty, so we needed the help of the infertility clinics in Atlanta, GA and in Chapel Hill, NC. Due to the hormones I was having to take, I gained over 45 pounds in a few short months. It was horrible. In the first 18 months of marriage I gained 50 pounds. Yes, that made me around 217 pounds...

Since 1995, I have stayed this size. I have clothes that date back over 15 years. They fit then, and they fit now. It is sad and depressing. I fluctuate 5 pound up and 5 pounds down...

but the fact remains the same...

I am fat

I have good blood pressure. I have a good resting heart rate. My cholesterol levels are normal.

I am fat

I have no gallbladder. I have had gestational diabetes twice which means I have a higher likelihood of getting diabetes after 40. I have had thyroid problems since giving birth to Jessica in 1999.

I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome.

So, I have at least four issues fighting with me when I try to lose weight.

I have tried numerous over the counter pills and water pills. I have tried Weight Watchers. I did Sim-Fast for a couple of months 10 years ago and gained 11 pounds. I have joined three gyms in the last 15 years, and actually did work out. Each time I might have changed a little of my body shape or lost a little but there was no big change or "A-ha" moment.

I have laughed about it and cried about it. I make jokes and make people laugh... I am the official funny, fat chick that you invite to parties to make people feel better about themselves.

Well... it is over.

Two years ago, I had the epiphany 2010... (http://sublettcraziness.blogspot.com/2011/07/reflection.html)

With this epiphany, I decided that I did not have to do anything I did not want to do... and I think that was/is great... but I think the epiphany that is coming from 2012 will add to this thought...

I am not going to be fat anymore.

I don't want to be, and remember, I said I do not have to do anything I do not want to do...

So, I do not want to be fat.

This brings a problem because I have tried things before. So, I have enlisted some help. I am seeing a doctor who is closely monitoring my status. I am joining a fourth gym tomorrow morning (Monday, July 9th). I have started going to a new type of fitness class called Look Good Naked... it is horrible and difficult and I love to hate it... of course, I could care less to ever look good naked. I would completely settle for "look okay while completely dressed in sweats in the dark"... but we are working on that part. And I am also considering surgery.

Surgery... yes, that is serious. Yes, there could be complications. Yes, it is permanent. Yes, I am aware that it is a complete lifestyle change. However, if it will help me life a better life, be more active with my children, be happier, and prevent me from getting diabetes... well, I will do it. Due to my numerous health issues, my husband's company would help pay for it. So, I am interviewing surgeons at Duke and at the Bariatric Specialists of NC. I am trying to learn which surgery could help me the most. I have done a ton of research. I have sent out emails to most of the people that I know have had surgery to hear their stories. I want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So, here it is... my first ever blog about weight.

I am starting a journey with intention.

I will succeed.

I will not be fat.

I tend to try to hide behind my children in photos if I allow a picture to be taken of me. Looking at this picture honestly, I can see that my efforts are useless.

My mother pushed for this one and I let her take it just to shut her up. But this photo has never been printed or shown to anyone due to the numerous chins that it shows.

This was taken last month at my parents' 50th Anniversary Party. I did not know it was being taken or I would have sucked in my gut and stood behind the podium. It to will never be printed or shown. When I made a book as a keepsake for them from the party, I only included one picture on me. I was with my family all standing in front of me... yes, all three kids had to hide me...