thoughts of the past

so many things have changed for me this year... some days I say most are great...

some days I think that some are rough...

but I am learning a could of things as well...

 

1) joy is a CHOICE

2) sometimes whether something is good or bad is up to PERSPECTIVE

 

At the beginning of 2012, I was thrilled with the strong amount of close friends I thought I had. I had several little groupings of friends who got together and enjoyed dinners out and fun time. I loved my job. I enjoyed my home. I was expectant of a wonderful year in many ways.

 

At the beginning of 2012, I was ashamed of myself physically. I knew that I had tried in many ways to change my body and was feeling hopeless. I was frustrated with our search for a church that could meet the needs of my teenagers spiritually and socially. I was wanting a change. I was not hopeful that I would find success in either area.

 

Throughout my year, many things happened both to me and around me. I have found a wonderful home for my children in a church that had been under my nose for over 10 years. Scott and I are adjusting to the many changes that it brings and are finding a home there. I am continuing to enjoy our home and working to continue to fix the things as they come up in our 35+ old home. I am enjoying a re-kindling of sorts with friends of my past and sad to see some friendships fade. I am reminded that 2013 is coming and it will bring more changes.

 

So much of my blog and most of my thoughts over the last six months have been concerned with my weight loss...  It has been a topic of huge importance to me and my immediate family. I am healthier than I thought possible. I weigh less today than I did the day I got married in 1993. At this moment, I am wearing a pair of pj bottoms from my mother Christmas morning that are size medium, and they fit. I enjoy getting out of the house and playing with my kids. I enjoy shopping for myself for the first time in my marriage. I now shop weekly with a friend and actually try on clothing and laugh in a dressing room. So much about the weight loss has been wonderful and fun... just yesterday, I was shopping with my kids (yes, all three of them - I had a temporary brain loss). When my daughter was complaining that her jeans were a little loose... we discovered that they were MINE... she was devastated - I LAUGHED and GIGGLED for the rest of the day... who would have thought that would have ever happened!?!?

 

however, the weight loss has come at a price.

 

I am ending 2012 feeling better about myself and feeling more confident. I am ending this year having found a youth group for my teens that they love. My little professor has a Sunday School teacher who "gets" his little professor-self and is learning how to teach him creatively and he loves her. I am ending 2012 continuing to work with an amazing group of ladies whom I love and keep me on my toes. I am ending the year with my husband of over 19 years and falling in love with him again even today. I am ending 2012 with three healthy, challenging, funny, quirky, silly, loud children. I will finish this year with so much to be thankful for and happy over.

 

however, I will end this year with a sense that several friendships have changed. I have tried to teach my children over the years that friendships are like roller coasters. I have blogged about it before. I have told my sweet daughter that her best friends of today may be not as close tomorrow. Friendships will strengthen and fade in cycles. It will be fun and it will hurt.... yet, nothing prepared me for it as an adult. I have seen several friendships fade this year, and their leaving hurts me still. I hope that 2013 will bring us all back together, and it will bring us back stronger than ever.

 

I read a book several years ago titled "Boundaries". A wonderful friend gave me the book as I was walking through a very hard time. I have picked the book back up this month... I think it is a wonderful reminder that I choose to be content. I choose to be happy. I choose.

 

So, as 2013 rides in this week for a thrilling, wild, twelve month ride....

I choose to be expectant.

I choose to look towards the horizon with happiness and a prayer for those close to me.

 

2013 will be amazing... I just know it!

mostest bestest season

I love Christmas.... I love the smells, the laughter, the hopes, the story, memories from past Christmases, and the thrill of hunting for each person to have that special gift...

 

This year was no disappointment! Each child enjoyed ripping through paper and throwing tissue balls at each other. I was pleased as they each said their "thank yous" after each gift... seeing the crazy hugs at the end of the openings just cracked me up as they always do. I was surprised as usual that the gifts that I think will be the favorites are not always correct...

 

This year I was correct with my girl - she has always wanted real UGG boots... but mommy refused to pay crazy amounts of money for shoes that she could only wear for 4-6 months due to weather and growth. But her feet have stopped growing! She has had the same size for about a year now - so she had asked for some cute buttoned boots at old navy, yet her mother had shopped eBay and found some UGGs for less... the squealing commenced. I loved every second.

 

I was also correct about my oldest. He has wanted over-the-ear headphones all year. He wanted Beats by Dr Dre... not happening. They are over $200. I searched eBay and had no luck... but he had a "back-up" plan. He had borrowed some from a friend and had fallen in love with some skullcandy ones with a bass booster... Santa found them on sale at Amazon.com... Alex has worn them around his neck constantly ever since. We do ask him to remove them for meals and church... "but I am not even listening to anything..." We have had to let him know that they are not jewelry....

 

Yet, with my little professor... I was wrong. I had searched and searched... I found five or six amazing books about animals or predators or amazing bugs or a pixar encyclopedia or science facts. I had purchased the Gothum City jail to go with the bat cave and several new figurines to play with. I got a couple of Lego sets (new recent discovery for him and strong love)... he like them all, and seemed thrilled... then, he opened his final present.... you know, the one... the one that I had wished he had not held till his last because it was a simple $5 gift that was not the one I wanted to "end" his unwrapping experience...

                     ...a week before Christmas, I was shopping with Pickle (friend with great

                     nickname - another time, another blog entry)... we were in GAP kids. I saw

                     a bucket of digital watches. The only blue one they had was dead. So, in true

                    "Atkins form" I went to the manager and asked for a deal. I bought the dead watch

                    for $5, proceeded across the mall to buy a new battery for it - thought that he

                    would like it....

Caleb screamed, "Finally, I am a big kid and have a watch!" He has let us know the time just about every 2-4 minutes since opening it. He chooses his shirts based on what will work well with his watch. He does not take it off. He pulls his shirt down over the watch while washing his hands so it get wet, but NOT the watch.... He loves it.

I love Christmas - this year was very different for me, but I have found pleasure in the same ways as years past and discovered some new fun as well...

 

In past years, I loved the baking and all of the traditional foods of Christmas. This year, I enjoyed the cooking and baking, but did not eat the stuff... I concentrated more on sitting back at the table and listening to the chatter and enjoying the laughter of my kids. On Christmas Eve, I made sure that I was in charge of the non-sweet items... I brought the veggie tray, chicken tray, cheese ball, chili dip and crackers... then made sure to stay on my side of the table. I found that it was not hard. I listened more. I laughed more. I posed for more pictures willingly. I never once pulled a child in front of me for a photo... not because I am at a place where I don't need them in front of me, but because after 41 years I.AM.HAPPY.WITH.MYSELF.  It is a very freeing experience.

 

We have not attended a Christmas Eve service since our former church left it's original location of Holt School Rd... but this year, we attended a new church service. It was my original intention to attend a service. Then as the service drew closer, my daughter was asked to help... then my oldest was asked... Then I learned that the professor would be able to help as a shepherd as well... and wouldn't you know it, as Scott walked in the door, he was asked to help out as Joseph! So, my parents and I sat on the second row and witnessed a hilariously fun Christmas pageant with my entire family in it. It was wonderful. The Advent candles were explained (had never heard about each one) and the children were wonderful. We now have a new tradition....

 

So, in closing... Christmas will continue to be my absolute favorite time of year. It is a time where I can concentrate on the people I love. I can visit with them, listen to their laughter, spend a lot of quality time with them, decorate and then travel around to see all of the beautiful lights of our city, and love... just love. I understand for several friends of mine that this is a hard time of year... I pray that maybe I helped it to be a little less unhappy...

 

because it is the mostest bestest season of the year.....

new old Santa

I love Christmas... I really really do...

I love the lights, the trees, the music, the laughter and the shopping for the perfect gift...

This year, my kids decorated our family tree...

 I love it... From the sparkly reds (my favorite color) to the numerous Santas... I love my tree!

This year, I have added several Santas... I do every year. Some are made by my children, some are gifts from family and friends, some are given to me by my students... I love all of them. The jolly old man brings warmth to my heart and a smile to my face... He represents giving to me... the true art of giving... finding that special gift and then bringing that huge smile or squeal to the my kids...

I have a new Santa... the most special one of the year... from a special friend of many years...

 

 

Many years ago, her father hand painted this for her... This has been a wonderful memory for her over the years...

 

She knew that I collect Santas... This will be a memory for me for the future...

 

I have whimsical Santas, vintage Santas, blown glass Santas, handmade by my children Santas... all are wonderful reminders of the jolly old man who lights up children's faces bringing them the one special gift that they had no idea that they wanted... My childhood memories of Santa are amazing... I visited him at every mall and would want to sit with him for hours. When I was young, Santa came before I was asleep and delivered my first tricycle and my Baby Alive doll... Santa taught me how to give a gift expecting nothing in return. I still love searching high and low, racking my brain to think of a perfect gift, and then delivering a little token that will make my loved one smile and know that I love them...

 

This Santa will shine brightly on my tree this year... He reminds me of a friend's love for me... She searched high and low, racked her brain, and then delivered this little treasure to me today...

 

I am smiling... she loves me... Thank you, R... It could not be any more perfect.

different levels...

My three children all go to the same school - I have three different "levels" of achievement... I have a well-above average child, an average ("B") child, and a child who struggles to come up with low C's...

School work is a struggle in our home... The B kid does his/her work without asking questions, usually in the quiet of his/her own room... The C student complains and does not want to do anything because there is no hope in passing... The A student wants helps, asks questions, and wants you to check the work 10 times to make sure that it is right...

Then report cards come... The C student will not even get the card out of the book bag until forced... The B student will remember right before leaving for the next day of school... The A student wants you to go over it with a fine tooth comb and explain everything... "did I do the best I could, mom?"

However, when it is close to a holiday... the B student looks forward to every break... the C student counts down the minutes and moments... the A student is happy to have Christmas, but why do we need so much time off?


School is not the strong point for everyone - as parents, we have to find the strengths and push for them... it is hard to remember that this is not always school...

I saw a quote once that said something about "we are all smart, but if we are all tested on how well we spoke German, most would fail. Test us on what we excel at..."

Its a shame schools can't do that....

we are out-numbered

Getting ready for the holidays is hectic and crazy... but worth it! This year I will get to spend time with Scott's grandmother, his parents, his brother, my sister (okay, truth-be-told, she is Scott's brother-in-law's wife... but to me, an only child, she is the closest thing I have ever had to a sibling and I love her!), and my three nephews and 4 nieces!!!

Yes, all seven kids live under one roof - it sounds nuts, but it works like a beautifully orchestrated choral piece sung with seven parts... I love each one of them equally, but completely different... Levi, is my first. He is an extremely dramatic young man whose imagination has entertained me for years. Lilly has always had a great sense of fashion and a quirky sense of humor that makes me giggle. Sadie is our family sprite. You can not get her down, and she loves yellow! Annabelle holds a dear part of my heart because we prayed for her arrival for many years. Her smile brightens every room and she is always jumping in to the work with two helpful hands. Josie is the most positive kid I know. She seems to bring me straight to my knees with simple but deep words of wisdom about God and how much He loves us. She is a thankful child. Charlie is a smooshie-love bug. He is always ready to snuggle and giggle. And then Isaac... He is always smiling. I look at him, he smiles. I ask a question, he smiles... His first Christmas (last year), he was so touched by receiving his first-ever Christmas gifts that he ran downstairs to his room, and then brought up personal items and passed them out to us... wanting to give... what a treasure of a child.

There will be 10 kids total with mine added... I can't wait to see the friendships re-bud and hear the laughter explode. It will be a loud few days. But it will be a few days filled with enough memories to last us a few months...

Who am I kidding?

 I will miss them instantly after they leave.

best so far

A lot has happened over the last month... a lot of great things and some miserable things... in other words LIFE has happened.

In my journey of weight loss, I am learning more and more every day about this mental battle that I constantly fight. I see weight loss in the mirror some days, but other days I see a 220 pounds woman looking at me. One day, I get up and feel thinner and am happy for the day, but the next day, I feel fat and sluggish and want to hide in my bed.

There is no rhyme or reason to it, and I do it to myself... well, except the other day when I had an ignorant woman say to me "Really, 46 pounds? I had no idea you were that fat!" Yea, that comment made me speechless and made me want to hide for the rest of the day and eat mashed potatoes by the truckload... except for the part that I could only eat about 5 ounces of them and that wouldn't help depression! hahahahahahaha

but yesterday afternoon was amazing for two reasons...

I jumped over two huge hurdles... 1) In the past, weather, pressing time, a hang nail... anything could give me reason to not exercise... but yesterday, I jogged two and a half miles in the rain. Yes, I carried an umbrella for part of it. Yes, I looked ridiculous. BUT I did it. I did not allow the cold or the rain to stop me. I ran...  2) on August 14, 1993, I wore a size 16 wedding dress. Later that evening, I wore size large sweatpants and a large t-shirt... then the next day, size 14 jeans... Yesterday, I went into Goodwill and tried on a pair of size 14 jeans. I zipped them, buttoned them, and then bought them. I am still 4 pounds from my wedding weight - but my ring size and jean size are back to 1993!

yesterday was a good day... one of the best so far in this journey....

color me rad

I did it!

 

So much happened and so many emotions were wrapped into one day...

I will try to put it into a little capsule for everyone to swallow...

 

I had great plans - I was going to jog my first 5K. I wanted to run with some people. I wanted it to be a big event. I hoped for friends to run with me. I planned for family to be there for support. I hoped for someone to take pictures of me at the beginning, at the mid-point, and at the end of the race. I had hoped for a "moment".

 

However, things were much different than I had planned

 

The people that had wanted to run the race waited a day too late to register. It sold out completely. Over 9,000 people were involved with the race, and I did not know a single one of them.

So, I ran alone.

 

My husband ended up having to go on a boy scout camp out with my oldest son. I did not feel comfortable leaving my 13 year old at the starting line with my 7 year old, so they stayed at home. My mother did offer to go, but I knew that she could not walk the distance on the parking lot and all of the color powder (there was a ton) would not be good for her asthma. So, I had no family present.

 

Due to some other events during the prior week, people cancelled on being able to go with me on Saturday. Some felt badly to cancel, others had things happen that could not be helped, and to some it may not have been as important to them as it was to me, understandably... So, I asked a random lady to take my picture at the starting line and an older gentleman to take the final picture just after I crossed the finish line.

 

So, what started out as a party in my mind was looking to be a depressing day..

 

but it wasn't

 

I drove to the race alone. I cranked my music and just really got lost in my thoughts. A year ago, I could not have jogged to the mailbox without getting winded. I teach in a classroom on the second floor and took the elevator up and down almost every time last year...

 

I decided not to go to the pre-walk pep rally or to the post-walk pep rally... not really as much fun alone - however,  as I stood at the starting line, I was very overwhelmed. I started to jog... I jogged the 3.1 miles in 39:51. My.best.time.ever. As I approached the finish line, I admit to getting a little teary. I could not believe that I had done it.

No team pulled me across that line.

No one stood there hollering for me to do it.

 

I simply put one foot in front of the other over and over again.

 

As if on cue, as I crossed the finish line I received a text from a friend encouraging me to do well... I texted them that I had just done it... then she texted me this thought

"Your victory came when u were standing on the start line."

 

So, I ran my first 5K. To some, it was "only 3 miles or so". To me, it was a huge mountain that I overcame and conquered. And furthermore, I will do it again.

 

I would like to now start working towards a 10K for the spring... and then we will move on from there. I am enjoying jogging and walking and moving more in my new/old body.

big scary man... not

Today, I was reminded how racist or stereotypically biased I was raised...

 

As I was leaving my wonderful grocery store (after freely giving them all of my money), I noticed a man standing near my car... now, in my childhood I would have been scared of this man. He was huge... maybe 280-300 pounds... balding, with some scruffy facial hair... black as night... dressed in outdoor, hard-work-dirty clothes... and he looked angry.

 

I continued to my car, and I could tell that he was getting more and more frustrated... walking around his car and pacing...

 

I quickly got loaded my food and got into my car... then thought, what the heck? I am a grown up. I am friends with people of all sizes and colors. Why am I acting like the little girl who would hide behind her dad when we would go downtown to Kings to get a hot dog before a ballgame?

 

I rolled my window down and asked him if he needed any help.... he turned angrily and fast... then his face softened. He said, "thank you so much - I can not find my keys. I must have dropped them somewhere in the store or here in the lot or even in my car. I have ice cream here in the cart, and my wife will not answer her phone."

 

So, I said, "hop in! Ice cream is too important to waste! I can take you home, then she can drive you back up here to get your car later"

 

The gentleman refused, but I kept on... then he said, "are you sure?" 

For some reason, I was sure.

 

So, he loaded his groceries in my backseat and down the road we went. I got him to his home, he unloaded my backseat, then said.... "Thank you. I have to admit I was surprised that you helped me, I mean, you being a white lady and all"

 

 

gulp

 

how pathetic are we... all of us need help... all of us have hurts, joys, pains, and laughter...

 

help someone today... out of your comfort zone...

maybe when you need help, it will come full circle!

big coat

So, I cleaned out my closet a couple of weeks ago... I wrote about it - happy and sad moment... happy to not be able to wear any of the clothes anymore, but also sad... because I have been the same size for 15+ years, I have had some of those items for a long time... I had pictures of myself in Russia getting our firstborn in some of them... hard to let go, but happy to do so

 

Then, this past week it got chilly. One of my kids went to the coat closet to get a jacket, and hollered, "Mom, you forgot to get rid of your coats!"

I went to get them... there were three...

 

People who know me, know that I rarely wear a coat. I was never cold... I had a beautiful denim jacket that I had bought at Talbot's, not on sale... loved it dearly. I had a double breasted chocolate fleece that I had bought from Landsend on sale... loved it. Then I had a very expensive and very warm coat from Landsend that I wore when it was bitter cold and it kept me snugly warm.

 

This last coat was worn during winter dog walks, trips to PA, outdoor shopping at Christmas, and other times where it was freezing. I remember several moments I had in this coat...

 

As my son and husband were commenting on how big it was when I tried it on, my son took it and then they put it on...

TOGETHER

 

I laughed... they looked hilarious...

 

I added the coat to the pile to give to a friend who may have a need....

 

then I went to my room for something... as I thought about my loved coat, I remembered one time when I wore it to walk the dogs... and I remember that I left it open... Scott scolded me saying, "it is very cold, you need to zip that coat up" ... I laughed and told him I was not cold... but the truth was that I could not zip it...

 

I then started crying... the very coat that two grown men (41 years old and 15 years old) had put on and zipped up... I had been so big that I could not even zip it.

 

I think a lot of this "game" with losing weight is so mental.

 

I know that the fact is that this morning I wore size 16 jeans and my hubby said they were too baggy, whereas two months ago I was wearing size 22. I know that I wore a size Large t-shirt to work on Friday, whereas two months ago I was wearing a 2x or 3x. I know that I had 3 chins, whereas now I have one. I know that I used to get winded going up the stairs to my classroom, whereas now I can jog a mile without stopping...

 

these are facts

 

But I still get sad. I get sad because two men can fit into a coat that I could not zip...

Sad that I had gotten to that size...

I still see a big person when I look into the mirror. I saw a picture of me this past week

(also taken this past week) and I bawled... I am still big.

By the standards of average people, I am big.

 

Many of my wonderful friends are encouraging... they tell me on a regular basis that I am looking great or thinner or they are proud of me or many wonderful things....

 I appreciate EVERY comment and compliment....

 

I am really to FEEL these things...

 

the mental battle is draining... not sure how I can be doing so much better, looking so much better, and moving so much better... yet still be frustrated, discouraged, and angry...

 

I need to dive into the scripture and find some peace... Philippians 4:4-9

 

4Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5Let everyone see that

you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

 

Lord, please help me to memorize these verses and lay claim to them...

 I need to concentrate on the right things and experience a peace that can only come from You....

a new fair

My parents took me to the state fair every year growing up... I can even remember taking a couple of field trips to it with school... Sometimes I would take a friend or go with a friend.

The State Fair has been a big deal to me my entire life.

After getting married, Scott and I attended the fair every year. We only missed in 1998... of course, we were in Russia picking up our son, so I was not too upset. Sometimes we have taken the children, sometime we have attended as a date...

but we have always gone!

Six years ago, the fair changed for me... Scott and I were there on a date. We rode very few ride because tickets were so expensive.. We found this crazy spin-a-round, flip upside down, fly crazy ride that we both knew that we would puke on... I was scared to death and so excited. My father had given me a love for roller coasters and I couldn't wait...

until

we went up, got into a seat, and waited to be clicked in by the attendant...

the guy could not shut my seat


I had to get out of the seat in front of my husband, and walk back to the exit. I wanted to die. I told Scott with a laugh that it was no big deal... he rode it, and said it wasn't really that great (which I knew was a lie)... but it was a deal.

I have not ridden a ride since.

I take that back, a few years ago, one of my nieces celebrated her birthday at a theme park. I rode the tilt-a-whirl with her. I knew that was a ride that would work, and she asked me to ride it with her... but I was scared to get on it and relieved to get off...

This year I went to the fair. Took our children on preview day... bought them wristbands so they could ride everything in the park that they desired....

I still did not ride anything.

I had planned to purchase a wristband and ride everything... I was thrilled to be down in weight and thought that "this would be the year" that everything changed for me...

but I saw a picture taken of me the day before... I looked huge... I immediately felt like I did in June of this year... huge with no chance of change...

I am learning more and more just how mental weight can be... I know that I am wearing a size large shirt today whereas 9 weeks ago I wore a 3x or 2x... I know that my jeans today are a 16 instead of the 22... I see one chin instead of 3. I can jog a mile straight without stopping...

however, I am still big in the average person's mind.

gosh this is a daily battle and fight


I am not writing this for people to write crazy encouraging comments... I just am documenting my feelings and keeping a public sort of diary... I know that I am doing great and things are going according to His will and plan. I am working hard and feel better than I have in over 15 years. I know all of the "right" things to say and that it will only get better... but this is a mental battle that I am fighting... and it is a huge fight....

i ran

I have been walking since the day of my surgery... I started that night, walking laps in the hall...

they were slow, but they were laps.

 

I have tried to walk at least 3 miles every time I have walked for the last month... I have sweat (always hated sweating). I have hurt (not a big fan of that either). I have tried to run (the distance of a front yard only).

 

I have not. enjoyed. a single. time.

 

The few times I have been with friends on my walks (Sunday evenings), I have loved every moment of catching up with them socially... but Holly has legs that have to be 6 feet long and is a gazelle. And Evie jogs like a beast....

 

until tonight

 

At the last minute, I decided to go walk while the kids were at youth for one hour. I knew it was not a lot of time. But I had a busy day filled with things for everyone else. I desired to do one thing for me. These days, in this economy, there are not many things that can do that are just for me...

but exercise is free!

 

I started my laps with some great music on. The air was thick and humid, and I was sweaty before I hit the sidewalk... after one lap, I thought "I will just jog this one stretch for Evie"... but at the end of the stretch I kept running... I ran one full lap...

 

It was not fast... it was not pretty... my breathing was that of a 100 year old smoker... and I probably looked like a big fat chick trying to get to the all-you-can-eat-buffet table

 

but I ran

 

For the first time ever, I loved every step. It was exhilarating. I was proud of myself.

 

I was really proud. After the first lap, I wanted to call Evie and SCREAM that I had done a full lap... but dern it, she was in Bible study! But by the end of the 3.2 miles, I wanted to tell the world because I could not believe that I had lived to share the moment.

 

I ran every other lap... half of my 3.2 miles

 

 

So, ladies (and gentlemen if there are actually any who read this), keep it up. Whatever you are doing to help your body... if you are not enjoying it, keep it up... give it a true chance. I could see the changes in my body which is the only reason I continued... until tonight. Now, I have the "bug". It took 7 weeks... but I finally caught it.

 

October 27th I will run/power walk in my first ever 5K... I absolutely cannot wait. For most, a 5K is a quick workout... for this FORMER fat chick it will be a miracle come true.

 

our God is still in the business of miracles... watch out!

favorite seasons....

We have officially entered my favorite time of year... fall leaves, cooler temps, a chill in the night air, working in the yard, jumping in huge piles of leaves...

I love fall!

Silly as it is, fall also begins my Christmas shopping season. Since we celebrate Christmas with Scott's parents and his brother's family of 9 at Thanksgiving, I have to get an early jump on it! I love Christmas shopping. The idea of putting a smile on their faces because I have tried to find something that they will love or enjoy...

My two favorite times of the year... fall and Christmas...

empty closet

I am a minimalist...
Don't get me wrong, the Sublett family has a lot of junk... but when it comes to "my junk," I have a 6 month rule... If I have not used it, worn it, or needed it in the last 6-9 months, GET RID OF IT.

 

When it comes to my closet, I have followed that rule religiously. I have never understood having sizes from 10-20 in your closet. That would have been depressing to me over the last 17 years. After gaining the weight from 1994-1995, I have been a size 20-22. I had NOTHING in my closet that I could not wear at anytime. I could fit into everything in there. There were no "skinny" clothes or chubby clothes... it was just all ready-to-wear-fatwear.

 

Yesterday was my support group meeting... I've lost a few pounds, so I knew I had a few items that were getting bigger... but I tried on 7 shirts before I could find a nice shirt that I felt okay in... My favorite go-to shirt (my favorite pink gingham from Talbot's) looked huge. I could wrap it across my body like a wrap-shirt. A wonderful feeling, but alarming when you need to get dressed! So, I decided when I got home, I would try to go through my closet a little.

 

...I need to go by the goodwill and my secret closet today....

I have three garbage bags of clothes to consign and 47 hangers that are now empty in my closet and empty drawers too.

It is true that I need to get rid of clothes that no longer fit - but I am not ready to go crazy shopping. I have no use for a new wardrobe that will not fit in a month or two...

I stopped by Goodwill this afternoon. I was able to grab a couple of pairs of jeans... they will tide me over until I am ready to go shopping again!

Love all of you - thank you for your support and well wishes. Having the support of friends and family has made this so much more of a fun ride!

 

a new attempt

I have exercised before... I have been in classes, worked on machines, gone to the gym at 5am, run to zumba at 7pm, bought a big ball to workout on, walked and jogged on a treadmill....

but it did not work and I quit.

 

 

but here's to a new attempt....

 

 

I think I have officially lost my dern mind.

 

I started walking immediately after surgery. I have a huge desire to get smaller as quickly as possible. I try to walk a little farther every time I go... The farthest I have walked is 5.2 miles.

 

But, tonight I did something, that for me, is very brave.

 

I signed up for a 5K. I understand that it is just over three miles. I have done this several times... but never in front of people. I certainly could never imagine paying to "get to" run it...

 

However, on October 27th I will be walking/jogging my first ever 5K in Raleigh, NC. I hope and pray that it will be the first of many. I pray that I enjoy it. I want to rock it out and have a new hobby.

 

...a hobby that will change my life for the better...

 

Here we go... want to attempt a change for the better along with me? Sign up... www.colormerad.com

 

(I am signed up under the team named SublettCraziness)

one month

My surgery was August 9th at 10am... It was a long day... I had a trusted friend/nurse/sleepover buddy. I had my man. I had my parents. I had several friends emailing and texting well wishes and words of encouragement. It was the day that would forever change my life....

 

One month has brought many changes. I no longer can eat supper in 15 minutes... unless I only want to eat 5-8 bites! Meals last from 45 minutes to an hour now. I no longer want sweets... I long for meat. I have discovered that I can still eat popcorn as long as I steer clear of the kernels. I have had no episodes of being sick. I have been very careful about what I eat...

 

I have gone out to eat with my friends and family... I am getting used to the weird looks when I say, "no drink for me"... the server asks me at least 3-5 times throughout the meal if he/she can bring me a drink.

 

I have learned that I should ask for a "to go" box immediately, or just share with someone... When at Olive Garden last week, I ate four bites of Jessica's meal... and then one piece of chicken from my mother's dish... I am a cheap date.

 

I no longer have any desire for alcohol... I do, however, LONG for a diet mountain dew...

but have resolved myself to never again taste it.

 

 

Most importantly, I am losing weight. I can only see it in my face though... I know that my clothes are getting bigger. I no longer stretch t-shirts as I put them on - they fit right out of the dryer.

 

I have lost around 25 pounds this month.

 

I am walking a lot. I am trying to get my family to do it with me... but other than maybe 3 or 4 times, I am on my own... But that is okay - I am learning to enjoy the solitude and the time to unwind and think... I will return to exercise classes this coming week. I am nervous about them, but looking forward to lifting weights and toning.

 

so - I am one month out from getting my vertical sleeve... I still only have one regret.

 

I wish I could have had the surgery years ago...

 

(I do secretly still wish I could have had gastric regardless of what was "best" for me - but only because I want to lose weight faster!)

back in the saddle

So, we are back in the saddle again! School is back in session... homework has returned and reared its ugly head... I am back at work... It always cracks me up how I forget how difficult it is to get three kids up, fed, dressed, lunches made, out the door, go to work, get three kids from three different car lines, and start homework.... then around 5pm, panic over thinking about what I will feed the family!

This year, I am trying to be more deliberate...

• more deliberate in my teaching - more planning, more fun, more smiles and laughter...
• more deliberate in my cooking - better choices of food
• more deliberate in my shopping - trying to do the majority of buying from the perimeter of the grocery store
• more deliberate in my free time - more trips to the gym after work and more walks/jogs in the evening with my kids

But I need to be more deliberate in many areas... I need to be more deliberate in finding time each day for a quiet time. I need to be more deliberate in being a more positive person and adding light into friends' lives. I need to be more deliberate in NOT being so critical.

Being back in the saddle is good in a lot of ways, but I need to change my saddle.... No more slipping into old habits and ways...

Let's all make a strong effort to treat ourselves and the people around us better...

I would rather strive for it today than regret missing the chance tomorrow....

Support

The first time I went to the support group... well, the meeting was less than stellar... Tracey and I went because it was required. All patients of my doctor are required to attend one prior to surgery and one post surgery... When Tracey and I went, there was a speaker talking about her process - I was not impressed. She had only lost weight in a few areas, but was still huge in others. It scared me. Plus when we broke into groups, I about went nuts with the few women in my group who were crazy and had no idea what was going on. I swore I would not go again.

However, last night was different.

A friend who had the surgery a few years ago, met with me a week prior to my surgery. She told me that this process would be so much more mental that physical... She told me that the number one thing she did for herself was to go to support group. I laughed and thought, "that place was nuts"...

However, last night was different.

My friend was right. Last night, a few people discussed how it is hard for them to get in all of their liquids. I am not having trouble with that... A few discussed how hard it is to get in all of their protein. I now have a simple schedule and am hitting my goal every day with protein. I am not having trouble with that at all.

One lady discussed how after her first appointment she was so sad because she had not lost as much as she had anticipated that she cried... I could identify.

This is a mental game. I know that I have lost weight. I know in my head that it will come. But, it is slower than I want of course... so, my mind plays with me. It is easy to get discouraged.

Support group is a good thing. It is important to sit and chat with people that know what you are going through... the people around my house think I am nuts. They each ask how they can help me. Yet, I have no idea... but the people last night have all been there (or are quickly on their way to being there)... It is good to have a group of people to look at and say, "I am tired of hiccups" and all of them laugh and nod....

 

 

on a funny note, there are some who share too much too soon... as I walked in last night, a lady walked along side of me who was one week post-op. Having never met her, I asked, "what did you have?" She said that she had full gastric and was having a lot of trouble with diarrhea and was scared all the time about having an accident and was even wearing depends just in case.... Yea... okay... so, me, the queen of tact, said... "Wow... okay... so, I don't think I caught your NAME"... I have found at these meetings, we identify each person by what they have had versus who they are... kind of funny. It also cracks me up just how personal each of them get and how quickly they will "spill their guts". I guess people just feel safe quickly... I guess that is not a bad thing...

but I am not walking in with the depends lady again....

 

it's mental

I'm slowly learning that bariatric surgery is mental...

 

I am feeling great. Physically, I have no pains. I have small scars that are almost completely healed. I have been "cleared" to re-enter the pool. I know that as long as I have scabs outside that I have healing to do internally...

 

I feel like I could do whatever chore I want. I feel like I should have no limitations.

 

If you see me out and about, you would not know that I had major surgery two weeks ago today...

 

 

But I am having major regrets... I have not lost weight in 6 days. I am not really eating anything of consequence yet. I am walking regularly. In my opinion the weight should be FLYING off.

 

I wish I had full gastric bypass.

I feel like the weight would be moving.

 

In my head, I know that the surgeon chose the surgery that was best for me. He reminded me yesterday that I only had 75-90 pounds to lose not the normal 100-150 of a bariatric patient. He pointed out that I have lost over 15% of my goal weight in two weeks...

 

In my head this all sounds good and true

 

then I look into the mirror and am reminded that I had major surgery and am STILL FAT.

 

this is a mental journey... I will persevere... I will make it and achieve my goal weight...

I just have to learn that I will do it in due time, not overnight...

The end of an era

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is the end of an era. I am crying as I type this blog post. It is a wonderful feeling. Something is over. It is over forever... And sometimes it is good to say goodbye to something or an event...

This week I have said goodbye to the 200 era of my life.

Way back 17 years ago,in 1995, I crested over 200 pounds. I had told myself it would not happen, and that I would never weigh that much... The day I found that I weighed 201, I promised myself that it would be less than a month before I took the weight off.... Yea.... Well, it took 17 years...

But the era is over and will never return.

I have weighed myself every day since my surgery... I have looked forward to being able to say...

I DO NOT WEIGH 200 POUNDS!

I can say it confidently now. I can also say that I will NEVER return to the 200's again.


It is the end of an era in my life..

Amen

Hallelujah

I won

It took me TWO YEARS to convince Scott to marry me... you may chuckle and think that I am kidding... but no. It is a fact. Yes, he loved me... but he was emphatic that he would not marry anyone who he dated in college... hard headed... but

I won

We knew each other in college... we were friends both dating other people... then through a series of events, we found ourselves on a college choir tour and "hung out" with each other for a week... did a little giggling and a little kissing... but in the true to form way that I handle things, at the end of the week, I asked him, "so, are we just having a choir trip fling or will we go out after all of this?" I know, I am subtle. I get told that all of the time.

Scott wanted to date, but was not ready to be exclusive... so, we dated other people... well, I did. Every time he asked me out, I made sure that I had a date with someone else. Until two months later, after he had not gone out with anyone else, HE decided that we should be exclusive... hee hee

I won

Then, our senior year we talked about getting married. He wasn't sure that he would ever get married... I said , "yes you will. next summer you are marrying me." He laughed... but...

I won

In August 1993, My sweet man stood at the front of a small church and smiled as I walked toward him. We sang to each other, laughed loudly with each other, and had a fun afternoon at our wedding. Now, 19 years later, we would do the wedding completely differently... but back then,

I won

Over the years, we have moved five times (each time because I wanted to, and he just went with me), bought a few cars (he let me pick out each one), bought furniture ("whatever you want"), painted walls ("its just color babe, whatever you want"), had three children, changed jobs, gone through surgeries and health problems, and yet... here he stands by me..

I won

So, Happy Anniversary to my love, Scott Sublett...  You and I have been through so much over 19 years... here's to the next 19... I will always remember that

I   WON

amazing daughter

Being the middle child is hard... at least in our house.

My firstborn takes a lot of attention... he has some special needs, needs more help with homework, needs more guidance with friendships and relationships, has at least one doctor appointment per week, numerous prescriptions four times a day, and is always busy at something...

My youngest child is a mess... he is smarter than I ever dreamed, he knows more facts about animals than any adult I have ever met, he loves to create new robots or projects from every spare piece of cardboard in the house, he wants everyone to participate in his imaginative adventures, he has just discovered video games, he loves to draw and create things with his hands,and he will talk for HOURS about animals or anything new has learned or thought of....

My middle child can get overlooked easily. She is a good kid. She can be a little overdramatic, but I think that it just because she wants attention so badly... She makes A's in school and will cry over a 92.7 because even though the teacher gave her an A "she did not really earn the A"... She is helpful and loving. She loves to sing and dance. She loves to laugh and snuggle... if she could do anything right this minute, she would just want to "be" with one of us. It is precious and funny.

But this post is to say, I could not have done this surgery without her. She is reliable and helpful. Most of my appointments have been in Cary... so I am 45 minutes away from my doctor... any appointment I have means around 3 hours of my absence. She babysat Caleb for all of them. She would be smiling when I got home and just giggle while Caleb told me all of the things they had done... playdough, markers, building, legos, movies, popcorn, games...

Scott and Alex have been gone most of the summer with scouts. They have had a great time and have earned a lot of badges and spent a ton of time together... but they have not been here and have no idea just how many appointments and places I have had to go...

But Jess has been here through it all.

She has been my little cheerleader on the sidelines telling me that I could do it...

And I can do it....

with her help

revolving around food

For a week now, I have not been able to eat... Over the past seven days, I have noticed a few things...

Did you know that our lives revolve around food? We live from meal to meal. We meet people for food. We reward with food. We calm children down with food. We make food an event...

Well, when you are not allowed to eat...

if everything revolves around food - you are either not invited or bored.

I have continued to prepare meals for my family. Them eating while I am not has not really been hard. I can see this process as a "means to an end". I do not get mad or upset (yet although those days may come)... but what I have realized is how many useless calories I used to take... licking the knife off, tasting things that I have made for years and know that they taste fine, finishing the last bite for someone, etc..

As I start my new life with my new body, I am going to strive to be different. I think meeting someone for coffee is good... but every outing doesn't have to be for a meal... what about "do you want to go take a walk or a hike?" Why can't we talk with our friends instead of always eating? How about my family going on a bike ride instead of watching a movie?

I am trying to make my life revolve around life... my family, my friends, my church, my work, my interests... I know that food will be involved, but it should not be the focus or goal...

As I am allowed less and less food, I am seeing just how big a part food plays in our society...

maybe that is why there are so many of us who struggle with it...

Fred, Barney, Great Gazoo, and Bambam

On one of my first visits for this surgery, I had to visit a nutritionist to discuss my present nutrition and what it would be like after surgery... Our nutritionist's name is Patrick... He is a quirky sort of fellow. He has some great ideas. He chewed me out about not ever eating breakfast, gave me some ideas for good protein, and had a lot of good stuff.

At the end of the appointment, he said the funniest thing to me and Tracey... "I can see that you are in a hurry and that you are taking time to process... you are like Fred Flinstone. Your feet start spinning and when you hit the ground, you are gone! Whereas you, are more like Barney Rubble... You take your time and make sure it is all good before you start."

So, I looked at him and said "then who are you?" He laughed and claimed to be the little green martian.. Well, I looked it up - that makes him the Great Gazoo!

Last week we were telling Dr Bruce and laughing about it all. He said that it really wasn't fair that Patrick gets to be in our show - so we named Dr Bruce - "Bambam"!!!

So, this week the tales of Fred and Barney continue...

I hope Bambam doesn't hurt

Fred on Thursday!!!

heehee - you know, life is an adventure that will happen whether you enjoy it or not...

so, why not be funny and enjoy it!?!?

more answers

Since coming home on Wednesday from my final results appointment, I have had numerous emails and private messages... so here are more answers to the ones who are interested!

If you do not wish to have more info, you will not hurt my feelings - don't read this... I also do not want every conversation I have to be about my surgery, so I am posting these answers... if you have more questions, I am happy to answer them if I can!

1) what do you eat for your last meal? Well, funny thing... I really did not get a typical "last meal". I was so hopeful that Dr Bruce may have a cancellation this past Thursday, August 2. Therefore, I stopped eating all day Wednesday in order to be able to tell him that I had been on clear liquids and was able to have the surgery early... well, he had no cancellations... AND he decided to completely blow my mind by telling me that I immediately needed to go on a "liver reduction" diet... so, no more food... my "last meal" was a salad only at pizza inn... it was very good, and I would love to have it right now!

2)why do you have to go on a liver reduction diet? Your liver is just like your stomach... it is a growing organ. If you eat and stretch your stomach, you have stretched your liver as well. Because I want to have this procedure laproscopically, I need to be able to provide my surgeon with as much space to maneuver as possible. So, I am on the liver reduction diet in order to make is smaller and more able to be held up and away from my stomach during the surgery.

3) what is a liver reduction diet? It is horrible. It is a high protein shake that is very thick. It is not your normal over the counter protein powder... it is very concentrated. I bought the cappuccino flavored hoping for the best. They are 120 calories each. I am allowed 3-4 shakes a day, so that is at the most 480 calories a day... So far on Thursday and Friday I was only able to drink two full shakes... I will attempt three today - but it is not looking promising. I am drinking a ton of water and crystal light tea. I am praying this liver of mine is becoming tiny...

4) what are you going to miss most? I love popcorn... I love beef... everyone knows that about me. It will be a long time before I have either of these again... maybe 6-8 weeks for the cow... maybe 6-8 months for the pop corn. However, even then the amount will be so dramatically different... I will not even be able to eat a "kids tray" at the movies or a 6 ounce fillet... But, at least I know I will not have to give up my favorites permanently... I did have to give up caffeine and carbonation... I gave them both up a month ago, and do not miss them at all. I thought it would be horrible, but it has not been an issue at all.

5) How will your diet change? The first few weeks will be nuts. If you are interested in that diet, let me know... but after I move to "real" food... I will be "allowed" to eat whatever type of food my body will tolerate. Some who have had this surgery complain that milk-based products make their bellies hurt. Some can eat three bites of ice cream, but the fourth bite will make them sick. I will have to take three vitamins every day for the rest of my life. I will also have to drink 65 ounces of liquid a day. I also need 60-80 grams of protein every day forever... This sounds daunting, but after researching it I  really do not think it will be horrible.

Basically, every thing I put in my mouth needs to count... whether is towards the liquid (jello and sugarfree Popsicles count toward liquids) or toward the protein (did you know that jello has protein and that hummus is a great source while I am on soft food?)... I have been told that after surgery you become a sort of "food Nazi" because every bite matters... if I can only eat 2-3 ounces, I need to make them count... I should not just fill by gut up with junk... what a waste? I should make those bites the best bites ever!

any more questions?

just ask!

Consequences stink

Sometimes consequences stink

My oldest wanted to buy a laptop this summer... My middle never mentioned wanting one...

We sat down, discussed ways to make money, made a plan, and had a probable outcome of a laptop by September one... He was so excited!

But consequences got in the way

First of all, he broke a window... That was $80. Then, he dropped my ipod and it broke... That was $300. So, he had to spend $380 all because of natural consequences... No punishment was needed from me. Life alone took care of it.

Consequences stink

A friend of our family decided to sell her ipad2 for $280. An iPad with the use of a Bluetooth keyboard is the perfect inexpensive laptop for a 15 or 13 year old... My oldest wanted this iPad more than life... However, he only had about $120. We had discussed way back in May that his parents would not be helping financially in any way. His actions would prevent him from buying the laptop and even the less expensive iPad.

My middle child heard about the iPad. She counted her cash and discovered over $350... She bought the iPad and the keyboard. She was so excited to have a laptop-like thingy...

I have tried to teach all three of my kids that ALL CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES. The summer my oldest has learned this lesson on his own. He had a great summer. He earned over 25 merit badges, attended two scout camps, rode over 50 miles on his bike, went on a 50 mile hike through the mountains of West Virginia, had fun at the pool, got along great with his siblings... But he will not have a laptop for September...

Consequences....well, you get the idea.

sleeping

I am still sitting this bed at the sleep study... it was really comfortable last night. Last time I was here, I did not think that I slept well... but last night, I slept very well. I was in a dead sleep when Preston came in this morning... and I wanted to roll over and ignore him... of course all of the cords and wires prevented me from doing that!

I tried on several face masks. Some where huge, some only covered the nose... the one that I chose just had nose plugs... very small.... But, it was crazy - they were right. I slept great! I brought home my loaner machine and strangely enough, I cannot wait to sleep with it tonight.... I know, I am weird. But I will say I slept better last night with a mask on, four things attaches to my scalp, seven things attached to my face, two attached to my chest, two attached to my left leg, and two straps attached snuggly around my chest and gut.... completely weird...

Tomorrow I will head over to Wake Med Cary... I have a two hour appointment for all of my pre-op stuff... Do not know exactly what they will be doing - but really do not care! I am just ready for things to start working...

I started second guessing myself yesterday... do not get me wrong, not having the surgery has NEVER been a thought. I just think about whether or not the "smallest" of the surgeries is what I want... I know that slower will be better - I just want to insure that I lose 70-90 pounds... I want a huge change... and like most people I would like for it to happen tomorrow. I am going to continue on the road with the sleeve. Following surgery I will walk my butt off for two weeks, then move into the weight room... I will not be able to return to my LGN class until week 6, but I will return. I HAVE to, in order to achieve my goals, I will do it all.

Epiphany 2012 is in full motion.

"I do not have to do anything I do not want to do... and I do not want to be fat."

yay!

i have a date!

So, I had my final results appointment this morning... well, it started in the morning and lasted through 3pm...

I passed all of the tests with the exception of the sleep study. Thankfully, I will be able to have a cpap machine for surgery. They are going to give me a loaner machine.

After hearing my results, we had a long meeting about what I will be allowed to eat or should I say DRINK over the next three weeks! I have to admit that I was not very thrilled over all of the many... okay, FEW choices that I will have.

When I met with Dr Bruce, I requested to have the surgery tomorrow... he laughed and thought I was kidding - of course, then I told him that I stopped eating yesterday and had been on clear liquids all day just in case he had a cancellation for tomorrow - He thought that was funny and hilarious... however, there were no cancellations!

I will be having surgery on Thursday, August 9th around lunchtime.  I can not even begin to write or explain just how excited I am. I feel as though I will have a second chance with life starting next Thursday afternoon. It is crazy....

I am sitting here in the big bed at the sleep study... thinking about all I need to do before next Thursday... I start my "liver reduction diet" tomorrow morning. I did buy the cappuccino flavor and plan to make it with decaff coffee... I am hoping it will be halfway yummy... we will see. I will be eating/drinking about 3-4 times a day until Tuesday evening... then clear liquids only on Wednesday before surgery!

Here's to the new me... here's to shopping in regular stores... here's to sitting in plastic lawn chairs without worrying that they will break...

answering questions

Since starting my journey to surgery, I have been asked several questions - I thought I would try to answer a few...

1 - why are you doing this -why not work out? Well, I have. I have had a trainer, I did 5am workouts for MONTHS, tried diets, weight watchers, and many more... however, I have several health issues which compound my problem. This is the solution that my doctors and I reached together.

2 - why the hurry? I have not been in a hurry. I have thought and prayed over this for about 4 years now. I just recently (june 28) found out that due to my pre-existing conditions, BCBS would pay for it. Once I learned that I would not have to strap my family financially in order to get healthy, I jumped on it. It may seem as though I am in a hurry now - well, I am. I start back teaching on August 27th and I do not want to miss a single day due to surgery. I LOVE my job, and I am not willing to compromise!

3 - why raleigh instead of Duke? Duke is slow. I also chose the Bariatric Specialist of NC in Cary because this is ALL they do... no appendix surgeries, no gallbladders - JUST bariatric surgery. I have had several friends/acquaintances go here, and three people I know have had the same surgeon. It feels like a very comfortable office. I am treated well, and I feel comfortable here.

4 - what are you having exactly and why not gastric bypass? I went to this process expecting to have gastric bypass. I do not fully meet the requirements. My surgeon suggested the GASTRIC SLEEVE because I could still lose 75 pounds, but I would do it over a longer period of time. Hopefully, I will be able to stay ahead of loose skin with weight training.

5 - is this the same as lap band? No it is nothing close to lap band. I will have no foreign objects put inside and left. A surgeon has (for lack of a better word) a 6 row stapler. He will start at the top of my stomach and staple diagonally. While the stapler seals my remaining stomach, it is also sealing the discarded piece and separating the two (a blade is between rows 3 and 4). I will lose about 75% of my stomach. This will mean that I will have about 2-3 ounce capacity initially. After it heals and is ready for real food, I will have about a 5-6 ounce capacity. However, this is not really what will help me - I do not really have portion control issues... I have a food absorption problem. This will help my body to change the way it absorbs food.

I am happy to talk about any of my surgery with anyone... please keep the questions coming. I am not embarrassed or ashamed... you do not have to send them through private messages. I have weighed around 217 for over fifteen years now. I have tried more ways to lose weight than I could count. I am just finally thrilled at the possibility and probability of losing weight... I will be smaller than the day I married my husband 19 years ago...

big day

today was a big monday

on Friday, I received word that I failed my sleeping test. I was told that I would need a cpap machine... it would take over a week to order... I was very discouraged.

but today is monday - a big monday

I got a call this morning from the sleep study facility... they will allow me to have a "loaner" cpap machine while waiting so that I am not delayed.

Then I got a call saying I was short some forms... I made one call. It was fixed. So, at 11am all of my forms were sent to blue cross blue shields for approval. It normally takes 24-48 hours for approval to come through.

but today is my big monday

at 5:30 pm, I received word that Blue Cross had approval to pay 100% of my procedure...

On Wednesday I will go in for my pre-op work and will schedule my surgery...

it is all starting...

next week could very well be the beginning of me becoming a normal-sized person...

next week could be the beginning of me feeling better about my size..

I may not sleep between now and then

sleeping... under wire

So, the sleep study was last night... kind of crazy! Thankfully, the study was located in the same building of my surgeon so I did not have to try to find a new building in the pouring rain!

When I arrived, I met the cool Techie... His name was Preston... covered in tattoos, shaved bald, funny as heck, and had a knack for making you feel relaxed in a weird environment...

He led me to a nice room with a queen sized bed... looked comfy... and I guess it would have been had I not been wired up.... but more in a minute! I had to watch a 25 minute video on Obstructed Sleep Apnea. Boring video, but was filled with a lot of info that I was not aware of beforehand.

Then I had to fill out a questionnaire and get my vitals taken. About 9:30pm, Preston came into my room and started the wiring... two on my left calf, one on each collar bone, a couple on the back of my head, one on top, several around my eyes or mouth... weird. I also had an elastic strap across my chest and another across my belly.

When the testing started, I had to lay still on my back while the machines calibrated... it was nuts. He could tell when I looked left/right or up/down... he could tell if I clenched my teeth. it was nuts.

I watched TV for another 30 minutes or so while texting my family and surfing the web... I was convinced that I would never sleep... never mind that my room was a cool 68 degrees and I had the entire bed to myself along with ownership of the remote...

But I slept... not sure if I snored or how I did... I woke up around 4:15am and dozed on and off until 5 when Preston came in to remove all of the sensors... I did ask about my snoring, and he swears that I am not a loud, problem snoring lady... we will see

So, the final step of testing has been done. I now wait... I am not very good at waiting. All of the results from all of the tests over the last week have to be sent to my surgeon's office. Then they will be sent to Blue Cross Blue Shields... After about 48 hours from that, I will be approved and will schedule my "pre-op" appointment.... Surgery will follow 2-3 weeks from that meeting.

I can see a normal size in my future... I am so excited that I could scream... I feel like I have prayed this through and He is opening every door I come to even before I try to open it... I just pray that it continues!

...stay tuned....

moving along

Due to a helpful Patient Coordinator, I have an EKG, Upper GI, and chest xray all scheduled at Rex Hospital for Friday morning... and a psych appt in Raleigh on Friday around lunchtime...

All that is left is the sleep study!

Things are moving quickly. In a perfect world, everthing will be completed and done in time for school to start. I want to keep my family's life as "uninterrupted" as possible.

Jessica is doing a FANTASTIC job watching Caleb and entertaining him while I am away at long appointments. I am so proud of the little lady is has become. I come home to a straightened home and happy 6 year old... Couldn't do all of this without her! She is nervous about what I am beginning... but she understands that it will help me to be healthy and for me to be happier with myself image...

crazy week - but a good week - weeks like these, show you who you can count on and where to go for help - we all need to know these things when the chips are down!


Thank you, Lord, for co-operating doctors' offices, children working together, friends who walk thru the fires of hell for you, and a good support system in place...

a sleeve is not just for a shirt

This morning, Tracey and I went to the Bariatric Specialists of NC in Cary, NC. I met with a Patient Coordinator, a Patient Account Rep, a Nurse, my surgeon (Dr. Jon-Michael Bruce), a Nutritionist, and a couple of kind ladies in the Lab... After coming home, I learned that I have several more tests on Friday morning at Rex Hospital... and then a psych consult on Friday... and I am in the process of scheduling a sleep study...

Balls are rolling, things are happening...

I have shed many tears this week...

just thinking about the FACT that this will be my final birthday as a fat lady...

my life will be changed forever... in many ways.

I have been discouraged about having gastric bypass by my surgeon. Apparently, I do not need that serious of a surgery. Dr Bruce said that I could lose between 75-90 pounds with a procedure called the gastric sleeve... You can watch the procedure here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwvbrvVxquI&feature=related)

With the gastric procedure, I would lose the weight in 6-12 months. Yes, that is fast and great - however, it would be difficult to keep up with the skin toning. With the sleeve procedure, I will be able to start walking on day one, light aerobics week two, light weights week three, and full workout by week four! The weight will come off more gradually over a 18-30 month time period.

I agree with Dr Bruce that this would be a better idea for me.

stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen...

stay tuned